Relief
by Evermoredeath
Summary: Set before the Anteiku raid and after the Aogiri raid. Kaneki returns to work for Anteiku and tries his best to return to the life he had before. However the gnawing fear of being separated from those he loves and alone has returned with the presence of another person. Will he be able to return to his life?
1. Chapter 1

**Relief**

* * *

'Kaaaaneki~!'

He sighed, smiling to himself and continued pouring the coffee as steadily as he could manage. Under the circumstances he was in he was trying his best to remain as calm as he could around not only Touka-chan but also Hide.

'Kaneeeeeeeeeekiiiiii~!'

Touka was glaring at him expectantly as if he had the power to stop whatever Hide was doing. Of course, he could reply to his best friend but he was in a busy coffee shop.

Working his shift.

Trying his best not to get fired for slacking off.

It was a sunny day and it had been surprising when the small shop had filled up considerably quickly within three hours of opening. It seemed like Anteiku was gaining popularity. Not that he didn't see why, the shop was unusually peaceful and comforting. The atmosphere lulling you into security and tranquillity; that was what had attracted Kaneki to this small area in the first place.

The chance to relax with his best friend and read a nice calming book.

If only he hadn't walked into this shop.

If only he hadn't been forced into this life.

He felt a surge of helplessness overtake him.

A life where he was barely strong enough to protect anyone.

A life which had proven to him that he was barely able to protect himself, thus; would obviously be unable to support or shield anyone else.

A life with more hardships than he had previously, in his human life, considered impossible to handle.

However, he reminded himself; life goes on. This was his way of handling any stray negative feelings that had managed to make their way to the surface.

Either way, the shop couldn't be held at fault. It was a utopia for him no matter what event had been instigated within these walls.

Today was a Saturday and he was working the whole day, not that he minded, he was quite happy to spend the day in a place which comforted him so utterly. He wasn't sure what attributed to that comfort. Maybe it was the smell of coffee in the air or the soft smiles from Irmi. Maybe Touka and Nishki's constant bickering or maybe the gentle eyes of the manager upon all his employees-his children.

Maybe it was the annoying whining from his best friend.

Or the radiant smiles from him that made the sun shine brighter.

He shrugged to himself. His assessment or observational skills weren't as acute as Hide's and he felt himself wasting time, lost within his thoughts and rushed to serve the customers, carefully navigating two dainty cups of coffee and sandwiches to their table.

He felt himself grow almost mechanical in his workflow as he greeted customers, took their orders, prepared them and served. A smile plastered on his face making his jaw ache.

However, it felt good; the fact that maybe someone would leave the coffee shop more cheerful or even more relaxed. Working at such a beautiful place made him feel good.

More than feeling good though, he felt relieved.

His eyes of their own accord darted to the head of blonde hair that was across the room from him; relieved that his friend was still with him, un-harmed. Accepting his odd transformation into what he was now.

He could tell it bothered Hide regarding how closed off Kaneki had become however he knew that his best friend did his best to put up with it. To cheer him up and always tell him that he was there for him; to constantly text him through the night if he discovered that Kaneki was having a hard time sleeping.

And he always found out.

He always knew when Kaneki was upset.

He must been staring at Hide completely lost in thought but to his surprise his companion was staring back him, his honey eyes warm and jovial, and fixed onto him with surprising intensity.

It was as if he was trying to tell him something.

Almost unwittingly he could feel heat rising in cheeks and he stared back hoping to make some sense of the situation.

Was Hide okay?

'Kanekiiiii~!'

He snapped out of his daze, this time acknowledging the energetic blonde's call.

'Hide, you realize I'm working right?' Kaneki asked almost abashedly, reaching his companion and sitting down across from him, earning a grin.

'But this is so important Neki!' Hide announced, bouncing on his chair, causing the small table to shake dangerously, making other customers turn to the duo in surprise.

He fought to suppress a smile at his friend's idiocy.

He was so relieved.

'Hide I don't want to hear about your latest celebrity crush,' the white haired boy groaned, scratching his chin unconsciously.

Hide studied him for a moment, his smile still intact and his eyes glowing.

'But it's not about a celeb crush, it's someone from Kamii!'

'Oh?' He could tell he sounded stupid, he was supposed to act enthusiastic. He was desperately trying to feign a casual attitude, but an odd sort of possessive feeling shot through him, his heart twisting in a way he wasn't used to. The way Hide had said it also bothered him; so proudly. Kaneki supposed he was supposed to be acting more supportive, nicer and probably less jealous.

Jealous.

Yeah. That was the correct word to describe what he was feeling at that moment. He felt jealous of who ever had caught Hide's eye in thei-Hide's university.

Because this was his best friend.

And he was afraid of losing him again.

The first time had been his fault but he really couldn't risk losing Hide again. What would happen if he left Kaneki to be with a complete stranger? He couldn't lose Hide.

No.

He couldn't lose the sunshine he just found.

'You okay Neki? You look like you want to throw up?' Hide interjected, not helping the internal turmoil that the white haired teen was going through.

'Uh- Sorry, I must have eaten something bad.'

He realized his mistake too late and winced, looking at the table, away from Hide, rubbing his chin. He heard a chuckle from Hide and bit his lip.

'What, did you eat a hobo?'

'Hide!' Kaneki cried, looking at his friend aghast.

'Sorry, sorry, bad joke,' the blonde kept laughing.

It was evident from his laughter that he didn't find his joke bad. Kaneki could feel his face heating up and he pushed himself off his chair.

'Hey! Where are you going?'

Hide's laughter died down.

'I need to work.'

Even to his own ears his voice sounded bitter.

* * *

By the end of his long shift, he felt considerably relaxed. The fact that he had spent most of the time at the back washing dishes and not serving also contributed to his relaxation.

His shoulders still felt tense but at least that sickening feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear was gone. There was a persistent tugging at his heart and his head ached but that was something he could live with.

Overall he was relaxed. He was ready to face him again.

* * *

He was walking out of Anteiku, locking everything up and leaving when an arm dropped onto his shoulder carelessly, and to his utter shock he was pulled into someone.

He was instantly hit by the smell. The smell of fresh air, sand, and some sort of deodorant. The smell of flesh.

Hide.

'Hide, what are you doing?' he asked, flushing furiously and squirming feebly in the blonde's grip. His best friend just pulled him closer if anything, ignoring his protests.

When he didn't reply, Kaneki tried again.

'Hide, people are staring!'

'I'm trying to have a moment Neki, stay still!'

His voice was soft, gentle, almost compelling Kaneki to do exactly as he was instructed. He dropped his hands, breathing him in. It was like an odd scene from a romance novel he had read.

However this was his best friend. The best friend who was acting platonically and non-romantically, trying to comfort him most likely.

Hide could always tell when he was upset.

After what felt like an eternity and a few seconds simultaneously Hide moved away from him stiffly. The embarrassment of being held in public had died down a while back and the dull ache had returned, mounting through their 'moment'. It had risen from his heart to his throat, pricking his eyes.

His arms were on his shoulders and his blonde friend's honey coloured eyes scrutinizing his face. He was struggling to school his expression into something more impassive.

'Was it the hobo joke?'

The question sounded like a formality, both of them perfectly aware of the fact that it wasn't the hobo joke. That was just Hide being Hide.

Trying to make him laugh.

He tried to school his expression into something normal.

Something that wouldn't betray his insecurity and everything he was scared of showing.

'Yeah definitely,' the white haired boy nodded, trying to grin.

He couldn't cry. Not now. Not in front of Hide. Not because of the stupid emotions he was feeling.

He couldn't ask his best friend to drop everything and just be with him.

He couldn't.

He couldn't ask Hide to choose between him and the world.

But he wished he could.

But he didn't.

'Liar.'

He was surprised, Hide usually didn't blatantly point out when he was quite obviously lying. He usually gave him more space.

'I'm not lying,' he retorted, his hand half-raised to his chin. He realized what he was doing and dropped it, his fingers twitching.

The blonde was studying him completely dissatisfied, his eyes moving over his barely held together expression.

For the first time in his life he didn't want Hide near him. He wanted to run away. As far as he could. From his best friend.

'I'll walk you home buddy!'

Hide's bright smile hit him like a brick.

His relief was marred with guilt and a twisting jealousy.

'Sure Hide.'

Little did Hide know his home was being uprooted.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading and apologies for any errors etc. Hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

'So is it a guy or a girl?' Kaneki asked as casually as he could manage, taking a sip of his coffee.

They were both seated comfortably, Kaneki on the faded couch in his apartment, a book on his lap, and Hide on the floor in front of him, watching a cat video or something on his phone. The room was quiet for the most part, his blonde friend's chuckle breaking the silence on occasion, the sound of the audio blaring from his earphones, or the quiet crumpling sound of the pages turning. The whole apartment hung with the heavy scent of coffee and cheap air freshener that Hide had bought; ignoring his protests. The mixture of the two produced a heady scent that was an odd combination of bitter and sweet.

Kaneki liked it.

It reminded him of him and Hide, there was extreme contrast between the two but somehow it was perfect in its own right.

'Not telling~'

Kaneki frowned, trying not to show it and mumbled a sound that would hopefully show his contentment with Hide's cryptic reply. He continued trying to read his book, struggling with himself.

He should be relieved.

But-

Hide never hid anything from him? So why start now?

 _He's probably sick of you._

 _He probably wants an excuse to get far away._

Shut up, he told himself frustrated.

That was just teasing; his best friend wouldn't lie to him. He was just joking. That was it, nothing more. Just teasing…

However the teasing was riling him up more than usual.

He had been working so hard to hide these emotions. Push them down. He always felt a flutter around the blonde, warmth when he smiled at him, a jolt of electricity when they made contact.

It was becoming painfully clear to him that his interest in Hide had shifted from a more platonic one to something more.

It was sickening him to think that this, however small or fleeting, would be taken away by someone else, and more than that it sickened him that he was thinking about something so selfish.

Hide was the only person he couldn't be selfish with.

He chewed his lip indecisively, trying to reason with himself.

He possibly couldn't let his jealousy get the better of him. Not after he had been through so much just to end up with Hide. To end up in his normal life.

He had thought he would be able to handle being around Hide.

Hide had accepted him as a half ghoul for God's sake!

'I can practically hear the cogs turning. And I have headphones on!' Hide broke him out of his internal conflict loudly, turning to him and smiling vibrantly.

The room seemed to get brighter.

He felt tongue tied, his mind rushing to find an appropriate reply.

'I-I- The book got confusing.'

This lying business was getting out of hand.

Hide could evidently see through his best friend's feeble lie. After all, clutched in the white haired boy's hand was 'The Black Goat Egg.'

The blonde raised his eyebrows, his grin widening, nothing missing his intelligent eyes.

For a second he thought Hide would call him out for lying, as he had a few days ago.

'You're such a nerd.'

With that he turned back to whatever social network he had been browsing.

He let out a thankful sigh and realized he did feel relieved.

But for all the wrong reasons.

* * *

He hissed out in frustration as he dropped burning hot coffee on his hand. This had happened for the fourth time in today's shift and he could sense Touka's annoyance at his unusual behaviour. He was usually so careful and focused with the orders he handled.

As discreetly as he could manage he went to the back to wash his hands with cold water and examine the red welts across his hands.

Turning on the tap he put his hands under the running water, staring at his reflection. His grey, tired eyes stared back, foreign to him, and he quickly looked away.

What did Hide see when he looked at him? Did he see his friend?

 _Of course he did!_

He needed to push aside these thoughts and accept that he was loved. He wasn't a burden with his wrecked half human life. Hide had constantly assured him he wasn't and that alone should have been good enough to him.

Yet-

The thought was just something hard to swallow.

He felt a surge of helplessness overtake him.

If only he hadn't walked into this shop.

If only he hadn't been forced into this life.

A life where he was barely strong enough to protect anyone.

A life which had proven to him that he was barely able to protect himself, thus; would obviously be unable to support or shield anyone else.

A life with more hardships than he had previously, in his human life, considered impossible to handle.

A life where Hide would slowly but surely draw himself from.

The more he tried to push away thoughts of Hide the more they seemed to swallow him up.

'You should be relieved,' he muttered to himself vehemently, scratching his ear unconsciously.

But he wasn't and that made him feel as if he was unravelling.

'Oi, Kaneki?'

Startled he looked up, faced by a head of strawberry blonde hair- Nishki san. The man's face conveyed a mixture of surprise and annoyance. His chin raised as if to say 'What are you doing here?'

'Uh-sorry! I just burned my hand so I was washing it,' he stuttered, caught off guard. Looking down he realized the small sink was close to over-flowing and he hurried to close the tap.

'Whatever idiot, manager is looking for you,' the older man huffed, tapping his foot impatiently.

The teen, in response bowed, thanking him and left the small room as quickly as he could manage.

Hopefully Nishki san wouldn't notice his slip up.

Exiting the back he saw Yoshimura-san at the other side of the small shop, surveying the place with a kind smile on his lips. Making his way towards the older man he noticed his blonde friend seated at one of the tables with three other people, laughing so loud it looked as if tears would leave his eyes, he quickly looked away, the strange twisting in his gut that he had worked so hard to suppress, rising again.

'You asked for me Sir?' he asked respectfully, pressing his hands to the small dark apron tied around his waist.

The kindly old man, turned his gentle face towards him, nodding pleasantly.

'It's about Kamii Kaneki-san.'

He held his breath at what the placid man was going to say. He expected it and desperately hoped he was right in his perception.

'I'd like you to re-join.'

He felt his face flush in a mixture of pleasure and anxiety.

* * *

His world had fallen away around him, his worries dimmed. Kaneki sat with his nose in a small book, a cup of coffee in front of him.

The air was heavy with the smell of petrichor mixed with the energy of the students in the university.

'Ken?' hearing the sound of his first name jolted him uncomfortably, and instead of answering he continued reading, as if he hadn't heard anything in the first place.

He felt the familiar scent hit him as Hide leaned over his shoulder to look down at his book.

'What are you reading?' Hide asked, sounding genuinely interested.

'Poetry.'

His reply was curter than he had wanted it to be.

'The feelings of the separation

What there is to say?

But that the heart is

An endless river of stars.

What does that last part mean?'

'What part?'

Amber eyes lit up, his companion's whole body pressed into his back as he traced the fading letters on the page. His ear phones were blaring out music loudly.

'Why is the heart an endless river of stars?'

The white haired boy had been debating the very thing.

'I think it varies it suppose? For anyone who reads it? I just imagine the river reflecting the sky. But it could be something like the stars are hope in an empty river?'

The blonde looked substantially put off by Kaneki's musings, staring at his best friend gently.

'I don't get it, so boring,' Hide huffed pulling away from his white haired friend, pulling the book out of his hands and resting it on the table behind him, smiling knowingly towards him.

Kaneki returned it, his lips curving upwards sincerely, a feeling of ease settling over him after what felt like eons.

'So anyway, I came here to introduce someone.' He sounded nervous.

He never sounded nervous.

Kaneki could feel his heart sinking.

Hide looked over his shoulder and Kaneki swallowed.

It couldn't be happening.

No. Not now.

'Meet my girlfriend, Ken.'

All noise seemed to fade around him.

His laboured breathing distastefully irregular to his ears.

Behind him, the book lay forgotten, buried underneath it was his relief.

* * *

 **A.N:** I wrote this at 5am and I'm not entirely pleased. Hope you like it. I will try to update quickly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

He was trying to hold back the nausea that threatened to overtake him.

 _No._

He quickly entered his small apartment, slamming the door shut with more force than necessary, making it shake dangerously.

 _This wasn't happening._

He tried to take in a deep breath to calm himself and ended up choking, crumpling to the ground clutching himself. All that came out of his mouth was a choked agonized sound that rang out loudly in the silence.

His phone rang, the sound drilling into his skull. He knew it was Hide.

He didn't want to accept the call. He wanted to ignore it. However, he had to feign indifference.

'Hello?'

'You okay?'

No.

'Yeah, just unwell. I have to go,' his voice cracked at the end and he winced, without waiting for a reply he tossed the phone aside, his hands pressing to his head, as he tried to cry.

He gritted his teeth, his chest heaving. He couldn't do this any longer. He couldn't keep it to himself.

He couldn't keep denying how much he felt.

Too much.

He couldn't spend his time so pathetically.

He wanted to cry but the only sound that escaped him was a low groan.

He was quivering, trying to calm himself, his fingers pressing painfully into his arms probably bruising. He tried again and this time, a strangled scream escaped him, the scratching in his ear returning; growing unbearable. He fell to the ground, his head pressed against the cold floor, sobs finally racking his frame as he tried to contain them.

He wasn't hurting anyone this way.

Only himself.

That was fine.

If it was for Hide. It was fine.

Hide.

He screamed out, his voice warbled and agonized. Loud enough that it echoed around his empty apartment. The familiar haunting laugh echoed through his mind and he clenched his hands around his ears screaming again.

He felt cold.

Not the cold of a winter day, but the cold of being empty. The cold of having so much warmth and having that forcefully snatched away. He felt like a shell.

Why did he care so much?

He should be happy.

He should be really happy.

For the both of them.

However all he felt was the horrifying ache in chest and crushing nausea as he screamed for a third time, his kagune writhing, as his tears pattered to the ground around him pitifully .

And he would be happy for them.

Even if it wasn't honest happiness.

* * *

He was chewing on his lip anxiously listening to the sounds of the phone beeping. He was almost a hundred percent sure his best friend wouldn't pick up. Not after the heart wrenching expression the snow haired man had displayed as he'd excused himself and ran from them.

Hide was trying to put pieces together, trying to figure out what had been on Kaneki's mind for so long.

Recently Kaneki had seemed to be getting better at lying, and it was more worrying as he seemed to be shutting himself off completely.

It seemed his detective skills were getting weaker.

His mind started to drift a little.

He'd freverently hoped that after his friend had returned everything would return to normal. His friend would be the same bookworm, same person with the same heart and mind.

Same hair and eyes.

Same body.

He flushed, ashamed of the thought even though it was safe in his mind.

Frowning he chastised himself; he wasn't supposed to think of that now.

He knew that just because Kaneki's appearance had changed, he hadn't. He did know it.

Even if he was slightly struggling to accept it.

'Hello?'

The voice was raspy and choked. The blonde was surprised his friend had picked up. He quickly regained his composure.

'You okay?'

He winced at how badly he'd worded that. It was obvious Kaneki wasn't okay.

'Yeah, just unwell. I have to go,' he heard his friend's voice breaking on the word 'go', and Hide decided he despised that sound. He hated seeing Kaneki upset.

He was about to reply when he heard a sharp thudding and Kaneki's laboured breaths grew distant.

'Ken?'

There was no reply and he took in a short breath and tried again.

'Kaneki?'

Had Kaneki thrown the phone away?

He debating cutting the call when he heard a soft groan and grimaced realizing that sound had left the mouth of his best friend. It sounded almost alien. It rang with startling clarity through the phone's speaker.

It left him feeling torn.

There was pin-drop silence, and he was just about to say something when he heard the sob.

A soft, broken sound.

It felt like a knife was twisting in his gut and he took in a shuddering breath, pressing the phone closer to his ear.

The feeling of helplessness was so familiar and demoralizing to him.

Once again he couldn't help Kaneki.

He had to give him space.

He'd seen Kaneki shouting out in anger after returning, heard him steadily counting down numbers under his breath and lashing out at others. However he hadn't been prepared for this defeated sobbing that made his heart sink to his feet.

For the next hour he stood listening to his best friend cry.

* * *

'Neeekiiiiii! You haven't talked to me for so long,' a heavy body collided into him and he was faced with a blinding smile and two orbs of sunshine boring into him.

He pushed Hide off more harshly than he had aimed to and he saw a flash of hurt flash in the blonde's eyes.

Just as quickly it was gone, replaced by a grin.

It was hard to believe he hadn't imagined it.

'I've had to study Hide.'

It wasn't a complete lie. After his breakdown he'd thrown himself into books and work and any welcome distraction that would exhaust him to the brink.

Anything that would help him avoid the constant throbbing that had settled into his heart. The aching that felt like the ultimate rejection.

Although he knew it wasn't.

'You're such a nerd! Spend time with me.'

For some reason the platonic demand increased the dull pain in his chest and Hide's playful attitude, his careless way of making contact with him wasn't helping to improve it.

He found himself nodding.

'Let's go to Anteiku first!'

Hide's eyes were glowing, the light of the sun encased within them.

He hated himself for revering in their attention.

'Okay.'

He felt a pit of fear settle into his stomach.

* * *

 _'So anyway, I came here to introduce someone.' He sounded nervous._

 _He never sounded nervous._

 _Kaneki could feel his heart sinking._

 _Hide looked over his shoulder and Kaneki swallowed._

 _It couldn't be happening._

 _No. Not now._

 _'Meet my girlfriend, Ken.'_

 _All noise seemed to fade around him._

 _His laboured breathing distastefully irregular to his ears._

 _The familiar eyes met his and he froze._

 _'Hey Kaneki.'_

 _Not her._

 _No._

 _Not her._

* * *

'Kanekiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~ Stop zoning out on me!' the blonde huffed, pushing him lightly, and receiving a grunt in response.

Hide seemed unconcerned with Kaneki's unresponsiveness and continued talking animatedly enough for the two of them.

He rubbed his forehead tiredly and his gaze travelled to the small shop they'd nearly reached.

He had been avoiding quite a few of his shifts, constantly asking for time off which the manager had responded kindly to.

He took in a shaky breath, trying to keep up with the bright man's constant chatter.

Hide pushed open the door, holding it open for him and the pale man followed hesitantly, the door shutting softly behind him.

Hide rushed excitedly to the counter.

* * *

 _He could feel both their eyes on him, waiting for a satisfactory response. Probably a congratulations but it seemed like his mind had gone on shut down. He had lost the ability to think and respond in the like._

 _It felt like a sign from above._

 _It was an odd confirmation of all his fears._

 _He would be all alone now._

 _'C-congratulations,' he gasped, he felt like he was choking as he forced a shaky smile onto his lips. He needed Hide._

 _He needed her too._

 _For them to be together felt almost like a betrayal._

 _It wasn't obviously, but his heart was having a hard time accepting it._

 _'Thanks man!' Hide smiled his dazzling smile, draping his arm over his shoulder and pulling him closer._

 _The younger girl's eyes gazed at him knowingly not fooled by his façade for a second._

* * *

The same eyes met his slate grey ones over the counter of the coffee shop. Hide was enthusiastically and endearingly throwing questions at her about her day.

However her eyes held his, even when she replied to Hide; even when Hide arched his neck to place a soft kiss on her cheek.

He swallowed at their intensity, a crushing sadness rolling over him as his exhausted mind finally started to accept the situation.

Touka was with Hide.

Their entwined hands broke apart when he reached them.

Tar pouring over the relief he had previously felt in regards to being re-united with everyone.

She looked up at him, ignoring Hide's whining.

Hide seemed oblivious for once.

However Touka continued to stare at him intensely.

It sent a spike of fear through him.

Her eyes said it all.

She knew.

* * *

 **A.N-** Sorry for the slow updates. Don't trust me guys when I say I'll update quickly.

I'm sorry. I am trash.

Thanks for the reviews, love you guys!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Hide had always considered himself observational. He had a sixth sense when it came to dealing with people and he could usually read them like open books. It hadn't taken him long to see that his favourite person to read was his best friend, Kaneki Ken.

Usually the small man had been easy to read, almost frustratingly obvious with his easily elicited emotions.

However the problem with Kaneki these days was that he was withdrawn, closed off and almost impossible for him to read.

Hide was aware of the fact that Kaneki was suffering. That much was obvious to even people who weren't close to Kaneki. The white haired boy just had an escapable aura of tragedy coating him. Those silvery eyes were usually downcast, far away, and so heart breakingly sad.

That was what had led him to constantly harass Kaneki. Hide was continuously trying to keep a smile on his face and laugh off his best friend's unusual harshness. Days had been passing quickly and he had felt his façade wearing thin, his smile slipping more often than not. He had been leaving him quicker, not lingering around him as he usually did, tiring of the cold responses the white haired man threw at him.

He just wanted to know what had started to bother Kaneki… His best friend had been improving so much, he had seemed to be getting happier. The dark bruised bags underneath his eyes had started to disappear and so did his constant unnerving knuckle cracking.

He had been feigning his oblivious attitude in front of him for a while.

He shook his head trying to snap himself out of his thoughts, and return to his work.

He was sitting in Anteiku, a pen pressed to his lips, waiting for Touka to finish her shift so that they could go out for a walk somewhere. He checked the clock across from him on the wall and saw that the woman still had fifteen minutes left. Huffing quietly he turned back to his notes trying to concentrate on studying.

Ugh math.

He rubbed his eyes, jotting down the equation to work on it somewhat. Nine hundred and ninety three, he mumbled to himself quietly, scribbling down the probably wrong answer.

He'd heard Kaneki muttering that _constantly_. It always started at nine hundred and ninety three, followed by the crack of knuckles, as the man continued to count down in sevens. Not only was it painful to view his friend in such a state but it was baffling.

Why was Kaneki doing that?

He had figured out that the habit had close links to his disappearance; he wasn't incompetent. However the thought that he had very little idea about the events that had transpired within the time Kaneki had disappeared made his skin crawl.

Recently Kaneki had started the counting again, accompanied by the cracking. The bags under his eyes had become prominent once more and overall his friend had returned to the mess he had been when they'd finally been reunited.

But when had this re-started?

Instead of the math work he was supposed to be doing he started writing down dates carefully, trying to chronologically arrange and observe the change in his friend's behaviour. It had started three weeks ago, he concluded finally, circling the date and tapping the pen on his forehead.

He wanted to help. Desperately make the white haired man with wintery eyes acknowledge himself as human and not a burden on Hide.

Nothing significant had happened three weeks ago. He tried to go back to the day and he felt as if his heart would stop when he came to the obvious realization.

He'd started dating Touka.

He'd told Kaneki and Kaneki had lost his cool.

This was all happening because he was dating Touka.

An odd feeling shot through his body and he rubbed his nose trying to figure out something else, anything that made more sense than the revelation that had be-fallen him. How could he have been so stupid?! It was so obvious. It always had been.

He took in a deep breath when he realized that his girlfriend was off her shift and was purposely walking towards him. He just couldn't believe that Ken had feelings for…

Ugh. He smiled up at the younger woman, who quirked an eyebrow at him.

'Move human, you're dawdling,' she said, a small smile on her lips.

'Bite me Touka-chan,' he grinned, pushing his notes in his bag, and taking her hand in his own. She shot him a radiant smile which sent a spike of adrenaline through him.

'Don't tempt me idiot.'

* * *

He had made sure Touka wouldn't be sharing any of his shifts, and even though he knew she wouldn't be around he concealed a sigh of relief when he was left with Koma-san and Irmi-san. He was quietly wiping a table when he heard them. The laughter he knew so well. The voices he would've been able to recognise anywhere. He gulped and continued cleaning with more vigour than he'd previously displayed.

'What _was_ that Touka-chan!? He was trying to be nice! It was a free sample, you should've taken it!'

'Hmph, shut up idiot!' was the immediate heated reply. It made Kaneki's skin crawl with jealousy. There was so much intimacy in that single phrase.

''Mind your own business shitty old man!'' Hide laughed, evidently mimicking Touka, and the door of the small coffee shop shut with a soft thud behind them.

He didn't bother looking up, just discreetly moved to the back of the shop, cleaning, as the couple tottered in laughing and flirting. He was hiding behind the slight intersection of the wall, his stomach lurching at the thought of them touching. He took in a shaky breath.

This jealousy was vile and horrifically toxic.

He tensed at his own thought, self loathing washing over him like a wave. This was absurdly _wrong_ of him. These two people were his best friends, they deserved better. He was supposed to support them, not hide and avoid them because of his own traitorous emotions. He had told himself constantly that he wouldn't be jealous, wouldn't be selfish for his most precious person. Yet here he was, pressing his hands to his mouth, trying to control his breathing and not cry. It was scary how quickly his impassive mask betrayed him and he was left so vulnerable.

He quietly moved, ignoring the animated chatter and hid behind the large plant near one of the tables. He blinked quickly trying to keep himself in check and painfully came to the realization that he felt alone. Empty and alone. At that thought a sob threatened to rise but struggling with himself he suppressed it. He would not cry for his selfish actions. He wouldn't cry over something that would likely hurt Hide. He wouldn't cry for something that didn't deserve acknowledgement.

'Where's Kaneki-kun, wasn't he here a minute ago?' He jolted at his name, silently cursing at Koma for acknowledging his existence and debated replying. No. Maybe he shouldn't. He'd probably have to confront them if he replied. In his emotionally drained state he wasn't sure he could face anyone. Much less Hide _and_ Touka at the same time.

'Kaneki's working night shifts? Doesn't he have university stuff?' Hide asked innocently.

'I don't know, he asked the manager to switch most of his shifts,' Irmi-san supplied helpfully. Kaneki winced; he hated how it sounded put into words. It seemed almost completely obvious that he was trying to avoid any sort of confrontation with Touka.

'Kaneki-kun you here?'

He tensed hearing footsteps nearing him. He leaned back against the wall, hoping the plant would shelter him.

He saw Hide, followed by Touka, turning the intersection. Another few steps and they'd be completely upon him and he gulped trying to think of a legitimate excuse for hiding behind a plant and not answering them. Watering the plant? He rolled his eyes at his own foolishness. That thought had been so Hide like. Just as Hide started to walk forward Touka grabbed his arm, murmuring something softly. She was staring at the plant much to his terror, through it. Right at him.

He saw a flash of anger in her eyes, setting them alight with venom that startled him. Then just as quickly both her and Hide turned away with Hide calling out his name again.

He exhaled, closing his eyes, relieved.

Touka's look of pure hatred appeared behind his closed eyes and he felt the relief melting away.

He stayed there until the couple left.

* * *

He carried the coffee stiffly, served the customers with a reserved smile and instructed them to call for him if they required anything else. Returning he greeted the next set of customers and seating them, took their orders and went to prepare them. While on a normal day this workflow would have been incredibly soothing, today it was almost unbearable. He was tired to the point of collapse and wished he'd just avoided his shift today, asked for a day off. However he didn't want to ask the kind manager once more. He grimaced as Touka crossed the small back counter to grab some coffee beans and glare at his back.

Even if he wasn't looking at her, he could feel it. Feel the horrific anger in her stare which was boring into him. He wanted to melt into the ground. Picking up the less than presentable coffee he had prepared he turned to grab a tray and bumped into her, dropping coffee all over both of them. He let out a hiss of pain as most of the bubbling drink had dropped onto him and his exposed skin. Touka let out an exasperated sigh and he flushed.

'S-Sorry, I'll clean it,' he stuttered, and grabbed a cleaning towel, dabbing at Touka's destroyed shirt and apron. She didn't say anything, but she didn't pull away either, he saw this as a positive sign and wiped away as much of the brown liquid as he could. He heard the bell of the door opening and ignored it, continuing to clean off the mess he'd made. Her gaze was back on him, and he peeked upwards, his heart sinking.

The look she was giving him was that of pity.

'You better stop messing around, you shit.'

He swallowed nodding, willing himself to look away but it seemed almost impossible. She quickly looked away, walking to the back of the shop, leaving him abandoned awkwardly, his hand outstretched. _What was that?_ He quickly snapped out of his trance and cleaned his spillage, not paying any attention to his surroundings.

'Ken?'

He froze, looking up, faced by a worried looking radiant blonde in iridescent clothing.

 _Hide?_

Then without thinking, he followed Touka's lead. Shakily getting to his feet he ignored the blonde's calls, and exited into the back of the shop, leaving the building entirely through the back alleyway.

He started running as soon as the fresh air hit his face.

* * *

'What the hell were you thinking?!' Touka was standing over him, shouting, a worried looking Hide hovering behind her.

He blinked drowsily for a few seconds and sat up on his uncomfortable sofa. Touka was here? With Hide? He rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating and stifled another yawn.

'Wha-' he started.

'Everyone is worried sick!' the girl screeched her kakugan flashing, and she trudged towards him, grabbing him from the collar of his shirt.

His thoughts were incoherent, clouded by the nightmares infested sleep he was getting.

'What did I do?' he asked, racking his brain. He didn't get a chance to think too much.

'You ran the fuck out of the shop!'

'Touka,' Hide said quietly, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder. Kaneki wished that that hadn't been the focus of his attention, but it was. He wasn't even paying attention to what Touka was screaming about. He was just tired. Lonely and tired. She closed her eyes, visibly struggling with her anger and let go of his shirt, dropping him back on the sofa and watching him struggle into a sitting position.

'We thought you'd been taken,' the unsaid _again_ hung in the air between the ghoul and the half ghoul and he bit his lip.

'I'm sorry. I-I just felt sick,' he said, not looking her in the eye. He scratched his chin awkwardly and tried to ignore the weight of their gazes upon him.

'Just try to fucking say something before running out.' It was evident she was calming down; Hide seemed to be running soothing circles in her back, both their eyes still on him.

He nodded weakly and apologized again, trying to rid himself of the lump in his throat.

'So will you be going to university?' Hide asked, finally speaking up, a shaky smile on his lips, his eyes dulled with worry.

'Yeah,' he replied tiredly, looking over them and trying not to show too much emotion. His jaw was starting to ache with the amount of effort he was putting into not crying.

'We should leave you to rest,' Hide said, nodding at Kaneki understandingly and turning. Touka reached him, entwining their fingers, and turned to the white haired man.

'Rest idiot.'

With that, the two disappeared, closing his door with a sharp thud and click.

He closed his eyes, the wetness sliding down his face into his hair.

* * *

'Kaneki! Kaneki! Oh God! Kaneki snap out of it!'

He lurched, dropping a plate to the ground letting it fall into a large puddle of soap, blood and water. It shattered as soon as it made contact with the ground. He stared at the sight dumbfounded; unable to adjust his brain to what was happening. He felt a sharp sting across his face and realised he'd been struck.

He raised his eyes to meet fiery violet ones and swallowed nervously, lifting his hand to his cheek and wincing. He'd deserved that much from her. Turning he realized that he'd let the sink overflow, and not only that, he'd managed to receive a large, oddly deep cut across his left hand. He stared at it confused and turned to Touka whose eyes, following his, had latched onto the deadly looking wound on his hand.

'I don't know how that got there,' he said to no one in particular. His voice echoed in his head, sounding distant and lost.

Touka's eyes snapped to his face, her stare ruthless.

'Get out.'

He obeyed.

* * *

'A week off would be more than enough, thank you,' he mumbled meekly, exhaustion evident in every word. He wanted to collapse. He felt a constant heavy burden upon him and he just wanted to lie on the ground and stay there.

The manager nodded, smiling at him gently.

'If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask, Kaneki-kun.' He felt as if he didn't deserve the kindness this man was displaying to him and bowed.

Replying with a soft 'Thank you' he left as quickly as he could manage, trying to avoid eye-contact with those working there. He felt their eyes trained on him as he exited quickly, the bell ringing behind him.

They all knew about his break down. They all thought he was crazy. It wasn't upsetting; he himself thought he was crazy. He was breaking down constantly, his neighbours had complained about the noise he made at night. Complained about how they were unnerved by the constant screaming. So after being threatened to be evicted he decided he'd stay awake. He'd just read, or think, or watch TV or study.

Today was the third day of his sleepless nights, and he was swaying on his feet as he walked back to his apartment. His eyes were trained on his feet and his head was plagued with thoughts of trying to stay awake. He had to get through this. He had to make himself stop being so upset about these unwelcome feelings. They were harming him, not only emotionally, but physically. It was as if the jealousy had become a part of him, just as Rize was. He felt that every action he performed was dampened by the presence of that feeling. There was jealousy in his walk; there was jealousy in his words. It was disgusting.

He hated himself.

He wanted to collapse.

Staggering up the stairs to his apartment he was met by a welcome yet unwelcome sight. Honey coloured eyes rose to meet his own dull grey ones and a blinding, sunny smile split across the blonde's face. His bleached hair looked messier than before and he was in his usual bright clothing. Kaneki was sure his expression must have looked absolutely comical at the sight of his best friend sprawled on the ground in front of his apartment because Hide burst out laughing. Immediately a wave of tranquillity overcame Kaneki's flustered thoughts. It was so soothing, an immediate sense of relief washed over him at the sound and he found himself smiling.

'Man, you look like hell!' Hide exclaimed still chuckling, and pushed himself off the ground. The pale boy didn't reply and warily eyed his companion as he neared him. Hide ran his eyes over Kaneki, scanning his skin, his clothes, him. He seemed to be looking through him. He seemed to be seeing so much more than his ruined appearance. Much to his distaste Kaneki flushed and Hide laughed again.

This close proximity was killing him. He wanted more.

But of course he wouldn't get it.

That would be selfish.

Kaneki would never hurt Hide by forcing anything upon him.

He would never.

This was unreasonable, he told himself, unlocking his door and watching as Hide bounded in uninvited, acting like his usual energetic self.

'Kaneki~ let's watch a movie,' Hide suggested, settling down in front of the small TV in his room and hunting through a rugged looking box for an enjoyable DVD. Kaneki let out a worn out sigh, settling down on his bed and watched his friend hunt for a movie. He stared at the energetic way Hide thumbed through the different disks and his attention was drawn down to the fact that Hide had beautiful hands; un-calloused and thin. He had never noticed that before. His eyes drifted to the man's hair which was curling around the nape of his neck and his ears. It looked soft. Unbearably so. He wondered if Touka ran her hands through it and thought the same thing.

The reflection wrenched him out of his small daydream and he clenched his teeth, realizing the stupidity of his mistake.

'What about this one?' Hide was holding up what seemed to be the cheesiest Dracula movie he owned. As well as the oldest. He rolled his eyes at the decision and nodded, gesturing to the TV with his chin. The blonde grinned, setting up the movie and plopping down beside Kaneki. Their shoulders were touching as the movie began with bad music ringing through the room.

'Kaneki?'

'Mm?'

'I missed you buddy.'

He felt his throat catch at the sincere words and he looked up at the blonde, whose eyes were fixed on the screen a smile playing on his lips. He lowered his eyes again and bit his lip.

Hide was beautiful.

'I missed you too Hide.'

It felt like the only lie he hadn't told him in a while and he felt a large burden lift from his shoulders

'Hey Ken?'

His first name sounded like music to his ears coming from Hide's lips.

'Mm?'

There was a pause.

'You're such a nerd.'

He flushed as the blonde burst out laughing, and swatted him. Hide immediately started wiggling his eyebrows and choked on his laughter. Kaneki tried not to laugh. He had almost thought he had forgotten how to. He was proven wrong as he was doubled over within the next few seconds, clutching his stomach, their laughter filling the small apartment.

* * *

His eyes fluttered open to the tweeting of the birds and the morning sunlight filtered through the barely curtained window. It felt so odd, to be well rested, was his first thought. He yawned lazily, his eyes drooping and turned to his side, ready to doze off again. He was met by the sight of a certain blonde who was drooling onto his pillow. Kaneki stared, and blinked, and stared some more. _What?_ He did a double take, rubbing his eyes and confirmed that Hide was definitely there. He supposed that he shouldn't have been as surprised as he was. They had had plenty of sleepovers in the past. Not only that, they had slept in the same bed without many qualms. So, no. This wasn't supposed to be as surprising as Kaneki found it.

He decided it would be best if he relocated to the sofa, but just as he was pushing himself up, Hide grabbed his arm.

'Sleep with me Kaneki.'

He could feel the heat rising to his face. It was too early in the morning for one of Hide's jokes.

'What?'

Hide pulled him on to his chest and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. He didn't struggle much. The bleached blonde smelled horrifically amazing.

'Shhh, sleep Neki.' The blonde's voice was slurred with sleep, but his arms were iron around Kaneki's body. He rested his ear against Hide's heart and bit his lip, slowly closing his eyes.

He was so relieved Hide was here with him.

* * *

'Sleep with me Kaneki.'

She gritted her teeth, dropping her hand and turned.

She really couldn't trust anyone.

* * *

'I think Kaneki's getting better,' the blonde exclaimed, taking her hand upon seeing her. She tilted her head, trying to keep a straight face and not let her suspicion leak through. 'Oh?' The blonde looked at her, running his intelligent eyes over her face and she had to struggle with her expression. Her _boyfriend_ was extremely intuitional as it turned out, much to her dismay. He was also much smarter than he let on. Overall Touka had been surprised how accepting he had been of the fact that pretty much all of Anteiku was run by ghouls. That was one of the reason she had said yes to his constant requests for a date, surprising them both.

'Yeah, we had a movie night which turned into a sleep over,' he told her excitedly. She could practically see the tail wagging behind him and had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. If only this idiot recognized the other idiots motives, if only poor innocent, human Hide wasn't so naïve when it came to his best friend's intentions.

'Sounds fun, what did you watch?' _Did you sleep in the same bed?_ 'A bunch of horror movies, the nerd read through most of them,' the bleached blonde laughed, turning to her, grinning. She smiled back weakly. The whole scene was crystal clear in her mind, Kaneki had probably been seated behind Hide watching the blonde. Probably staring at him through the movie and not _reading_ , as his friend had thought.

'That sounds like fun,' she laughed. _Fun for Kaneki._ Hide raised an eyebrow at her and she had to double take to make sure she hadn't said that out loud. It wasn't that she didn't trust Kaneki, but it was. She didn't trust him anymore. When he had first joined Anteiku he had gradually wore down her defenses and she had grown to not only trust him but even rely on him a little. Now he was just… different.

He was a wreck. He was more aggressive. He was confused, she concluded.

Those qualities made him dangerous.

'It was!' Hide ran a hand through his hair, laughing lightly and turned his warm eyes to her.

'He's just changed so much you know. He's quiet and it worries me that he's suffering. I miss that him but I'm really happy he's back. I'm glad he's not completely gone.'

'Mhm,' Touka replied, chewing her lip, trying to hold back her emotions. Hide's words were running circles in her head.

 _He's just changed so much._

 _I miss that him._

 _He's just changed._

She gritted her teeth trying to hold back a burst of hurt and anger.

'You're a really good friend Hide.'

She'd deal with Kaneki.

* * *

'I've had it with your shit Kaneki!' Touka did look like she'd had enough. Not only angry though, she looked upset. Like she'd been punched in the gut. He blinked at her confused, what had he done now? Had he upset her somehow? He scratched his cheek puzzled. He'd gotten through his shift without any mishap. He'd managed to help Hinami-chan with her kanji and he was helping after his hours to clear up.

'I- don't understand?' he stuttered, losing his nerve when finally making eye contact with the younger woman.

' _Hide_ , Kaneki! I know you _love_ him!' she yelled, spitting out the word _'love'_ , her hands clenched. It took him a few seconds to process the information she'd dropped onto him and he froze. His breath caught in his throat and he stared at her aghast.

'W- _what_?!' His face was burning, his expression contorted with horror and her usual violet eyes were red and black. Without a second thought she threw herself against him and he narrowly avoided her, her fist missing his face by a few inches. After that it was a relentless attack of fists and kicks that he barely avoided. He was tiring of this; he should let her hit him.

'You know what Hide thinks right?' she shouted, clambering back towards him. He swiftly moved out of her way, contemplating whether he should restrain her or not.

 _'He's upset you're not you anymore.'_

He froze, just as she managed to clip him on the jaw, hard enough to send him hurtling into the back wall. There was a large thud and he thanked Kami that the manager wasn't here to view this. He winced, sliding to the ground, as her words repeated themselves in his mind.

'He hates your stupid new withdrawn self!' She screamed. It was almost as if she couldn't control herself, her body was shaking. He licked his lips, trying to make himself void of all emotion. She settled herself on his knees and hit his chest lightly. Her head was lowered.

'He wanted the stupid wimpy you back, you shit. He didn't want your fucking attitude. He didn't want you to leave him. He didn't want you to become a huge fucking wreck. He loved you too, didn't you know that?!'

He bit his lip, blinking rapidly. A coldness settled over him as his mind went blank.

 _'Why'd you have to change?'_

Her voice cracked as she fisted his shirt, shaking him. His head bounced off the wall on more than one occasion but he didn't feel it.

His eyes were fixed on her lowered head.

He felt like a leaking ship lost at sea.

Hollow and alone.

* * *

 **A/N:** Wow this chapter has 3000 words extra. Hope you guys like it.

Thank you for the constant reviews. It means a lot.

I wrote this through the night so the quality may be trashy.

Love,

-Ever


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

It had taken him a couple of hours to recover from what Touka had thrown onto him. The physical wounds had healed almost instantly but the emotional were running painfully deeply. He had struggled with the crippling honesty that her words had held, trying to accept them for what they were. Of course, an unconscious part of him was trying to deny everything. This had resulted in him sitting in the same position, immobile for hours. Hours after Touka had left, tossing the keys onto him and leaving him in the haunting silence. He was unsure of how to handle himself anymore. He'd only returned to Anteiku because he'd been selfish. He'd decided that if he'd stayed closer to the people he loved he'd be able to shelter and protect them easier. He hadn't vaguely considered the fact that he'd be emotionally harming them so much. He'd tried so hard to make this- this whole situation work out for their good, make sure they weren't the ones getting hurt. How foolish had he been?

When he'd finally staggered back to his apartment he'd collapsed from exhaustion almost instantly, vague, unimportant thoughts such as how he'd forgotten to lock the shop plaguing him. It was as if he was too mind-numbed to be contemplating the more complex and important things. It had become so draining for him. Seeing Touka and Hide together. It was quite evident that he was jealous, but what struck him as disturbing was that he wasn't always jealous of the affection displayed between the two. He was jealous of the fact that Touka was _with_ Hide. She seemed to be the person responsible for his best friend's protection now and it was eating away at Kaneki. He didn't doubt for a moment that the younger woman was strong but it troubled him to think, _was she strong enough?_ Shouldn't he be the one that looked after Hide. Protected Hide from harms way.

Once again he was hit by the feeling of guilt for even mulling over the idea. How incredibly selfish of him, he scoffed. Maybe the close proximity thing wasn't a good idea. After all, living as a ghoul he had realized that the only concerns in his life wouldn't include his emotions alone. He did need to get stronger. While his lessons with Yomo were helping, they just weren't enough. He needed to get answers and become stronger. He needed to keep Touka and Hide out of harms way. With that, he strengthened his resolve and forcing himself from the sofa, staggered to his room.

* * *

Hide hadn't been sure what he had been expecting. Sure, walking around the 20th ward at midnight you were sure to see some questionable characters but he was utterly dumbfounded when he'd seen the familiar colourless haired man turning into an alley a few feet ahead of him. Without really thinking he had followed him, well more like ran after him, shouting his name repeatedly. He was breathless when he finally caught up and was surprised to see how isolated the whole place was. The system of alleyways was like a maze within the 20th ward. A maze that he probably shouldn't have entered at midnight, because there was probably a potential threat lurking somewhere in the shadows. On the other hand he did have Kaneki with his super ghoul powers. He was probably safe.

'Kaneki, what are you doing?' he asked, hunched over as he tried to catch his breath. He raised his gaze to finally look at his best friend and running his eyes over him he froze. A mixture of amusement and worry hit him as he noted what he was wearing. It was a warm night sure… but was it really that warm? The snowy haired man was regarding him with a strange conflicted look. 'What's with the bondage suit?' he asked before he could stop himself. An immediate blush rose onto the pale boy's cheeks and Hide had to hold himself back from snickering. Seriously though, the leather, the small cuts on the shoulders, how it moulded with his friend's skin. It really looked inappropriate. 'Hide-' Kaneki choked out, ready to retort full force probably. 'Seriously Neki, you could get arrested for public indecency. Be more considerate. What if a child saw you?'

'How many children are out and about at midnight Hide?' Kaneki drawled, the redness still visible on his skin. This time Hide did snicker. 'Well some questionable citizens could mistake you for a-' 'Shut up Hide!' His bare shoulders were even reddening. Hide chuckled at his friend's easy reactions, enjoying the light mood. 'Let me guess? You're going to wear this to Kamii? Maybe the professors could give you higher marks!' Now he was laughing at his ingenious as Kaneki looked torn between hitting him or sinking and disappearing into the ground. 'Shut up Hide,' the smaller man whined, which only egged on his laughter. Kaneki was glaring at him un-amused and it took the blonde a few minutes before he fully regained his composure, gasping for air when he finally stopped. This was brilliant. He needed a picture of him and Kaneki like this, in that suit. He needed the world to see this hilarious sight before him. He fished for his phone, pulling it out in record time, measuring the aghast expression on his friend's face as the flash in his camera went off, illuminating the dark alleyway, and Hide started to crack up all over again.

'Oh man! This is comedy gold. I can't stop laughing. Ahhh Kamii sama,' he giggled, putting his phone away, still hunched over laughing. He expected Kaneki to be angry again, maybe more flustered, what he wasn't prepared for was the sad smile that was gracing the man's features. It snapped him to his senses as his laughter died down for a second time. It was midnight and his friend was walking around in tight leather with a small bag. Why hadn't this set of warning bells in his head earlier, he didn't know. However, now his mind was racing as he came up with multiple possibilities for Kaneki being out of his apartment at this unholy hour. 'So,' he quipped as casually as he could manage, 'What you doing?' Kaneki's rainy eyes instantly shot away from his as he probably realized that Hide had caught on. Hide watched him chew the inside of his cheek for a while, probably pondering over his answer. 'I'm leaving,' he breathed finally. He could feel his eyebrows shooting up as his previous jovial mood was instantly replaced with the familiar helplessness and panic. 'Like a vacation?' he managed to keep a convincing smile on his face as he asked, feigning stupidity. Kaneki eyed him warily, his eyes looking more conflicted than before.

'I have to get away from here.' Hide gulped at the words, noticing instantly how Kaneki had danced around the initial question. He licked his lips wondering how to handle the situation. It felt like he was trying to get his friend to trust him all over again. The situation was extremely delicate and he needed to find a way to approach it without messing it up. He looked up into those smoky eyes and had to hold back a shiver.

'Too scared to ask for advice,

too proud to ask for help,

you tried fixing the problem on your own,

until the problem appeared too volatile.

I was here the entire time,

as I am still here even now,

and I can feel your shadow,

moving over her-'

'Me,' Kaneki interrupted, continuing softly 'Moving over me,

whispering up my spine.

I can feel you wishing for the simple things,' his gaze was looking through him as he recited the poem,

'Wishing only to wake up in your bed again,

Just wishing to re-start that day once more.'

Kaneki was staring at him with an unfathomable look in those big eyes and he seemed so lost, his expression so vulnerable and open that Hide didn't recognize the man as his best friend for a moment. His wanting to desperately to comfort him increased by tenfold and he leaned forward, touching the others face gently. Kaneki flinched but didn't pull away. Hide looked at the mask hanging around the other man's neck and then back up. It looked as if Kaneki was holding his breath.

'Kaneki, you've suffered for this long. You don't need that mask anymore.' The pale boy stiffened beneath him and a deafening silence descended upon the two. He wanted to move, to crack a joke but the air was too serious for any such thing. There was a desperate need for a response, a reply. A need for something, _anything_ to break the pregnant silence that was affecting the blonde so considerably.

Kaneki looked down, at Hide's fingers, his long lashes almost concealing his sad eyes. Then slowly, he turned away, prying Hide's hand from his face with rough slender fingers, and started walking. For a few seconds Hide watched the ghost like figure disappearing slowly into the darkness of the alleyways and held his breath. Then he ran after his best friend.

They walked for what seemed like hours, Kaneki leading him through turn after turn of varying degrees of darkness. He wanted to catch up to his friend and talk but decided to trail behind him. After Hide's feet had started to ache, they finally exited into an open area, a place he recognized. He stared around in wonder at the efficient alleyway system and made a mental note to explore it in more detail later. For the time being his attention was occupied by the soft footsteps of the half ghoul in front of him. His eyes wandering over Kaneki's back, his hair blowing softly in the wind and his walk. He seemed more confident, wearier. Kaneki took a left and they were in _their_ playground. Whether it was sentiment or instinct that had made Kaneki lead them here, Hide was glad for either. He felt his heart swell, a small smile tugging at his lips, as he recalled fond memories of the two friends goofing off in the very place. Funny how they ended back here on this fateful night.

Hide was left reminiscing as the pale boy settled on one of the swings, his hands clasped, the swing jerking lightly under his weight. After a few moments Hide sat beside him on another vacant swing, and almost instinctively started swinging. Before he knew it he was pushing himself harder, faster. It felt like too long since he had actually been on these. An annoying creaking sound followed him as he was propelled into the air and then back in his descent.

'I need to leave,' the hushed voice rang out over the sound of the rusting swings and he immediately stopped, his feet digging into the dirt.

'Kaneki-' he began desperately.

'I need to leave. I-I need to think. I can't handle being around here anymore,' he began jerkily, his voice breaking on more than one occasion. Now Hide's mind was racing, he struggled to come up with a likely solution to what his best friend had sprouted. A way to convince him that no, leaving wouldn't be the best solution. Keeping it all to himself wouldn't be good.

'Kaneki, you can't leave after _just_ coming back!' He wanted to add the unsaid 'me' but he bit his tongue. His friend shot him a look and then away. 'I need to be alone.'

'Kaneki don't suffer alone. And plus, rabbits die when they get lonely, ya know!' he said, trying to sound enthusiastic. 'I-I'm really sorry Hide,' he stood up as he said that, leaving the bleached blonde to look up at him. He was going to leave- _He was going to leave again_. He could feel his world imploding as he watched his best friend abandoning him, walking away. _Again._

'I know you like Touka,' he shouted out of desperation, nearly slapping himself for screeching something that was so obviously off limits. That caused Kaneki to pause. Relieved Hide rushed towards his best friend and embraced him without a second thought. He was engulfed by the familiar scent of coffee and the musty smell of books, combined with the alien smell of leather and whatever shampoo Kaneki was using. He leaned back to see Kaneki's surprised face smoothing itself into something more impassive.

'It's okay Kaneki, I know. I know you like Touka-chan.'

'What-? I-uh Yeah, Yeah I like… her,' the white haired man stuttered, reddening a little, looking towards the ground, scratching his chin unconsciously. Immediately the familiar gesture burned its way into Hide's mind and he stored that away in his mind for things he'd analyze later.

'It doesn't change anything between us you know. I can totally step aside and you can like ask her out or whatever. I mean you've known her way longer than I have. Plus, Touka and I weren't that serious, we were just bored. We're more like bros anyway,' Hide rambled, happy to have stopped his friend from doing something so unbearable. Too busy with his rambling he missed Kaneki's smile. 'I'm glad it doesn't change anything,' the snowy haired boy whispered softly and Hide couldn't stop the wide grin from gracing his own features. The relief made him rock on his feet and he wanted to burst from the happiness that had been set free within him.

'Let's go home Ken,' he replied just as softly, practically beaming at his best friend who shone in the moonlight. The smile on Kaneki's lips was the most reassuring thing he'd seen in a while.

'Yeah Hide, let's go home.'

* * *

Kaneki had barely made it through his door before practically falling on the sofa. He heard Hide reprimanding him and felt himself being pulled upwards. His eyes were bleary when he felt an almost floating sensation. All he knew was that he was tired. More so than he had been three days ago. Was he being rocked? He didn't care. He felt as if he had won a war that had been raging for years. It was a stupid way to view things but he was so satisfied and relaxed with the result of today. He wasn't going to be left alone. He would be able to stay with everyone.

With Hide.

He was hardly aware of the sensation of being lain into bed and gently covered with a warm blanket. All he knew was that he was drowning in the familiar sunny scent of his best friend.

When the blonde left his companion, a tender smile was on the white haired man's lips.

* * *

Hide lay awake in bed till the early hours of the morning, running through the events of the past night over and over in his head. He smiled upon the memory in general however he couldn't understand why Kaneki had touched his chin when he had confessed his feelings for Touka. He turned onto his side. He only touched his chin when he was speaking half-truths. Which meant he wasn't outright lying. To be perfectly fair, all the white haired man had uttered was a small 'Yeah, yeah I like her.' Maybe it was the meaning behind the yes? Maybe it was the meaning behind the feeling. He ran a hand through his hair. He had faltered at the 'her.' Did that hold any significance? He sighed. Of course it did. It was Kaneki, _every_ little thing held significance. So maybe his assessment had been wrong. Flawed. Was Kaneki jealous? Obviously he was jealous, he groaned at his own stupidity.

The white haired man had shown discomfort at Touka and Hide being together. But then again, Hide recalled, he'd shown the same discomfort around Hide alone. Hadn't Kaneki bolted when Hide had arrived at Anteiku that day? Was it because he'd been scared of facing Hide? Was it because of Touka? He bit his lip, he really didn't understand what was going through Kaneki's head and it irked him to no end. He had evidently faltered at the ' _her_.' So maybe he didn't like her? He disliked her? Kaneki couldn't hate Touka, he definitely didn't. He had been able to _be_ around her, work with her. He hadn't shown any dislike towards the woman. Which led Hide to come to the conclusion, that he did like _someone._ Just not Touka then. Who could it be? Someone close to Hide then evidently. The initial discomfort had started when he and Touka began dating. When he and Touka began dating…

When _he_ and Touka began dating.

He bolted upright as the realization hit him like a brick in the face. Suddenly everything started to click into place.

 _The flinching at the contact, the discomfort, the running and avoiding him._ It all made sense. He let out a shaky laugh at the epiphany he had just had. _How blind could he have been?_

If Kaneki didn't like Touka then it only left one person that he could like.

Kaneki liked Hide.

* * *

 **A.N:** Yup, this is a shorter chapter but the flow guys, the flow.

I also smoothed over some bits in the previous chapter after constant persuasion from my amazing beta.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it.

Thanks for the reviews, much appreciated.

Love,

-Ever


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

* * *

'Touka, oh my God we need to talk!' He yelled, grabbing her arm and dragging her back to the stairway in her apartment complex. The fiery woman turned to him, looking ready to smash his face in. She probably would have if he hadn't looked so distraught. 'This better be real good brat,' she growled, tapping her foot impatiently. He could feel his breath catching as he realized the weight of what he was about to do hit him. Should he be discussing this with his girlfriend? Was that normal? Touka was casting him looks over his shoulder almost worriedly and momentarily forgetting his own problems he raised his eyebrows looking over his shoulder. 'Did I interrupt something?' he asked, struggling not to sound sarcastic. The girl looked like he'd killed a fly on her face or something, her lip curled into a scowl. 'Spit it out trash,' she spat, grabbing him by his collar. As she said that the indecision hit him again. Was this even okay? But who else could he discuss it with? Not with Takizawa, God forbid.

 _'Hey Seidou-san, my best friend from childhood, who is the S rated eye patch half ghoul has feelings for me. Any advice how to deal with that? I'm just concerned I'm not gay enough. Yeah, the ghoul part isn't a problem at all honestly.'_

'Oi, Nagachika,' Touka snapped her fingers in his face snapping him from his odd thoughts. Oh yeah. He was supposed to be talking to Touka. About Kaneki. He gulped. 'You're freaking me out Hide,' she said, moving closer to him. He chewed on his lip uncertainly.

'Touka, Kaneki likes me.' He saw her eyebrows shoot up in confusion, a look of disdain in her eyes. She looked positively bored, her expression screaming _so?_ 'And?' He looked away from her, his face heating up. She must not have understood. 'I mean Kaneki like likes me,' he spluttered, raising his eyes to hers. He expected her to explode in some sort of way, maybe look at least a little surprised but what he didn't expect was a half choked laugh. 'Yeah _and_? Did you hook up?' she asked, her hands now on her hips. He looked at her taken aback. Sure they both had been clear about their relationship not being too serious but wasn't Touka taking this too relaxed? It was evident that she had known about Kaneki's feelings way before him and that made him want to slap himself at his obliviousness even harder. 'We didn't _hook up,_ ' he screeched, earning a feral grin from her. 'Well then why are you telling _me_?'

Why _was_ he telling her? She was the only one he could tell. This just happened to be something he couldn't figure out by himself. He needed Touka's advice, her opinion on the matter. 'Because I wanted to ask for a three way Touka-chan,' he sang, aiming to push the younger woman out of her comfort zone. There was an evident blush on her face but she just glared at him. 'In your dreams you dork.' He let out an exaggerated sigh, his mind still confused and in dire need of help. He needed to lay down his feelings and his facts and get them straight.

Kaneki was bi. Hide could be the same; however he might not have been yesterday. It was just so stupid. How could he have not seen this sooner? How could he have not known Kaneki's sexuality?! He was supposed to be his super inquisitive best friend. Who knew everything about the smaller man. However he had managed to completely turn a blind eye to his best friend's feelings. _He was just so stupid._ Groaning he hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. It was such an exasperating situation for him and he was devastated about the fact that he hadn't been able to identify something that was evidently so obvious.

 _Like seriously?!_ Touka knew. How could _he_ not know? Guilt surged through him as he realized how much irritation and distress he must have put Kaneki through.

'I don't want to hurt him,' he said finally, staring at his hands. 'Then don't.' The reply was blunt, typical Touka. However it wasn't the sort of answer he was looking for.

He looked around him; the streets of Tokyo were starting to fill up in front of Touka's small apartment complex. None of the pedestrians paid any attention to the two teens. The scene was normal enough, Hide realized that. However the weight of the whole situation made him feel as if he stood out. Didn't people see that his best friend had feelings for him? Didn't they see that in his stupidity he hadn't noticed? Didn't they realize that he wanted to feel the same towards Kaneki but had no idea how to? 'I don't know how I feel though,' he stated at last, wanting to hit his head against the wall in his extreme uncertainty. 'Well you don't want to hurt him, that's some feeling right?' He rolled his eyes at the words that were bitingly sarcastic, however he was glad. She was right. There was _that_ feeling. He was about to murmur something insightful when they were interrupted.

'Touka-chan!' A small voice had the two of them turning around to be greeted by a smaller girl; Touka's friend, Yorio or something. Hide was terrible at names. While Hide was a generally outgoing person, he was overjoyed at having the chance to interact with Touka's friend at this given time. While Touka had been helpful, this girl, this girl looked like she knew something about relationships. This girl could probably help him. He realized he had probably been staring when he heard her gentle greeting: 'Good morning Hide-kun.' Immediately he liked her. 'Morning!' Pity he didn't remember her name. 'Sorry I'm late Touka-chan, I bought some cakes on the way,' the girl glanced over at Hide, smiling knowingly, 'But its okay if you want to spend some time with Hide-kun.' The look Touka shot him made him aware of exactly what she thought of that idea. Not pleasant things, that's for sure. 'Its fine Yoriko, Hide was just leaving.' She glared daggers at him. This was his chance. As scary as Touka was, he needed help and he sure as hell wasn't leaving without a clear game plan.

'But Touka-chan what about Kaneki,' he whined, acting unfazed by her consistent glare. ' _What abou-'_ 'Oh is Kaneki-kun alright?' Yoriko asked him, her expression concerned. Bingo. He tried not to grin as his plan played out exactly as he had wanted it to. 'Well it's complicated Yoriko-chan. I wouldn't want to ruin your time with Touka-chan,' he said, making sure to look as crestfallen as possible while maintaining a smile. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but it wasn't like he had no other choice. He _did_ need help. Especially when it came to Kaneki. 'Oh, not at all Hide-kun. We'll help you, right Touka-chan?'

The fierce glower he got from 'Touka-chan' was terrifying enough to make him run the other way.

'Right, Yoriko.'

He grinned.

* * *

'So Kaneki-kun loves you?' The innocent 'l' word made him freeze up, heat shooting to his face. Touka spluttered out her coffee, spraying the liquid all over him as she laughed. 'He doesn't l-love me,' Hide sputtered unfazed by Touka's reaction. He continued over the girl's wild laughter. 'He probably just likes me like a crush. Maybe it's a mating thing. With Rize's organs in him he probably has a weird ghoul thing right? I mean do female ghouls go into heat? Is Kaneki in heat? You think all of this is about sex? I'm so confused.' He was rambling so much that he hadn't noticed that Touka had stopped laughing and looked like she wanted to hit him; Yoriko was staring at him with unblinking surprise. _What_? He wanted to ask. The realization hit him too late and he wanted to clamp his hands over his mouth in shock. 'D-did I say ghoul. I meant fool. Like gosh Kaneki is such a fool. A horny fool probably. Hahaha, imagine Kaneki- a ghoul. Funny. Too funny,' he was trying too hard; the cat was out of the bag. He'd messed up. A stagnant silent hung over them when Yoriko's nervous laughter fluttered out. 'Well that explains a lot,' she said, still smiling. The muscles in his shoulders felt taut. He may or may not have to deal with the small girl now. It looked like Touka wanted to murder him. He didn't blame her. He'd been an idiot. He was chewing his lip, small beads of sweat starting to materialize on his forehead.

'Relax, Touka told me Hide-kun,' those words slowly settled into his mind and he felt like all the tension that had blown up into him was slowly leaving his system, leaving him with a sort of adrenaline crash. He was visibly deflating with relief. 'Oh thank God. I thought Touka-chan was going to kill me,' he gasped, sitting back up. Touka rolled her eyes, 'I still want to murder you.'

'Awww Touka-chan, you're making me blush.' The violet haired girl rolled her eyes again. 'Now answer my questions.' He said recovering himself as quickly as he could.

'He's not going through heat Hide,' she retorted, her face flushing a dark shade. 'Then what does he want? Why does he like _me_?!' It was frustrating really, he just wanted to know. He wanted to figure out what was going on in his surprisingly dramatic life. It felt like a shoujo manga lately.

'Hide-kun, he doesn't want anything. I'm sure he wants to be with you but he probably wants you to be happy more than anything,' Yoriko said passionately, leaning forward, causing him to do the same.

'I want him to be happy but I don't know if I'm like-' he stuttered at the word, ' _gay._ '

Touka muttered a quiet 'Right.' He shot her a look and she smirked at him causing an uncomfortable feeling to build within him.

It was becoming so increasingly difficult for him. He had been so utterly thrown off by Kaneki's feelings for him- it wasn't that he felt repulsed; it was more of confusion. He was confused about his feelings for the white haired man. He wanted to understand the difference between the platonic feeling and the romantic feeling. Sure you could hold hands and kiss and stuff but to be honest some really close friends could do the same platonically. He held Kaneki's hand all the time. He touched him almost carelessly, and now this situation was just stirring up confusion. The line between the romantic and platonic was horribly blurred, especially when it came to best friends. He would do anything for Kaneki, but he wasn't sure if that meant in a romantic way. He just really didn't understand the huge difference. He didn't understand anything at that moment. He was grateful that his friend felt so much for him, but at the same time he didn't want to hurt Kaneki.

'Well then test the waters.' The suggestion was thrown out by Yoriko casually enough but it had caused his mind to start racing. _That was it_. He had a plan. He knew what he was doing.

He beamed at the two girls sitting across from him, startling them.

It was time to put his plan into action.

* * *

It had started off with holding hands.

They'd been sitting as they usually did, Kaneki and him watching a movie. A horror movie. Not a cheesy outdated movie, but a genuine American horror movie that Hide had rented out. They had the subtitles on of course, just in case the English got too complicated. However there probably wasn't any need for that. They sat in companionable silence, both entranced as the story unfolded before them. However more than the movie Hide was concentrating on Kaneki. He was watching the intense pair of grey eyes that were glued to the screen and he could almost see the mixture of interest and anxiety in them. He felt his lips quirking up into a smile at the expression and turned back to the screen. He supposed that Kaneki was indeed not bad looking at all. He was cute. He felt his eyes trailing back to his friend and felt that he couldn't stop looking. The small dent that had appeared between those snowy brows and the way he was biting his lip in anticipation. It was quite entrancing.

Yet he couldn't be sure that if that feeling was only there because he cared for Kaneki so much or if it was there because he like liked Kaneki. Platonic or romantic once again.

'Hide, you okay?'

He focused back into reality and smiled goofily at Kaneki.

'Yeah, yeah, just thinking.'

The pale man rolled his eyes, muttering something about him being weird and turned back to the movie. For a few minutes Hide followed his lead and tried to get into the movie. He really did.

Hide found himself staring at his companion and contemplating. Being like this with Kaneki was sending flutters through him, he realized. You're supposed to get flutters when it's romantic right? He wasn't even touching Kaneki though. A scream echoed from the TV and Kaneki jumped a little, murmuring a small sorry.

The blonde grinned. This was his chance. He carefully put his hand on Kaneki's. He could feel his heart beat speed up. The other's hand was cold as ice underneath his warm one.

Kaneki gave no sign of acknowledgement at Hide's gesture. This convinced him to make a further move. He entwined his fingers with Kaneki's paler ones, his heart beating loudly in his ears. This time Kaneki did acknowledge it. He turned slowly to Hide, the palest pink dusting his cheeks. Hide grinned back toothily, wiggling his eyebrows at him.

'Hide,' the man's voice sounded weak.

'Kaneki?'

'Wha-'

The woman in the movie started screaming, causing the two of them to turn back to the screen. Their hands still linked.

Much to Hide's surprise, or expectation; he didn't mind it at all.

* * *

Then it was small, lingering touches.

He yawned, practically drooped over the kitchen counter and watched his friend making coffee. While Hide was a morning person, he was exhausted after last night. He needed at least eight hours of sleep to act like a fully functioning human; however staying up late to study hadn't been one of his brighter ideas. A pale hand placed a cup in front of him gently and he heard the scuffling of a chair and looked up to see his friend sipping coffee, reading over notes with a serene expression on his face. He was noticing a lot of things these days about his friend.

Today it just happened to be the other's skin.

It was like porcelain. Secretly Hide thought Kaneki looked like an odd little perfect china doll. 'Do you use face cream?' he hadn't been able to stop that thought from bubbling its way to the surface. Kaneki looked up at him in surprise, 'Uh- I don't think so.' Those grey eyes were running over Hide's face as if to find the answer to why he'd been asked such an odd question, his fingers scratching his pale cheek abashedly. 'Really? You look like you have seriously smooth skin.' Again a stray thought. He wanted to smack himself.

Kaneki reddened. 'Thank y-' He stiffened under Hide's finger, which was trailing down his cheek. That had been a sudden move on Hide's part, as he had leaned forward over the small counter, his hand outstretched. Kaneki looked positively stupefied. If it had been any other moment Hide would have ungraciously snickered at his friend's predicament. He bit his lip as he realized that not only did he enjoy the feel of the smooth skin beneath his finger, but he also liked the fact that it was his actions that were causing the white haired man to blush like he was at that instant.

'Woah! It really is as smooth as it looks,' Hide laughed easily, trying to dispel the tension in the air. It worked instantly as Kaneki groaned about the importance of studying, swatted Hide's hand away and returned to his notes.

Little did he know, in his relieved state, that Hide could see the redness that stained his skin for the next hour.

* * *

His finger wandered down the others neck and the paler boy instantly froze beneath him. They were standing in Hide's small kitchen and ironically enough the white haired man was doing the cooking while the blonde watched him working. His skin was always so cold Hide noted unconsciously.

Kaneki inhaled shakily and turned back to Hide, his expression flustered. Hide wanted to smirk at him but for some odd reason he couldn't take his eyes off Kaneki's flushed complexion. Beauticians must seriously love his best friend.

'Hide?' there was a clear waver to Kaneki's voice. Hide did grin this time, it felt almost forced. It wasn't that he didn't want to smile, _he did_ , however the atmosphere just felt more… ugh.

'You have flour on your neck,' the honey eyed man explained, raising his eyebrows as if to prove the innocence of his actions. The pale haired man's flush started to die down and Hide realized that for some sick twisted reason probably he didn't want that. Just when Kaneki was about to turn back around, after having rubbed his neck, the bleached blonde lifted his hand to the same spot. He dragged his finger down his friend's neck, rubbing a little to once again justify his actions. He didn't want Kaneki to think he was trying to feel him up. Or did he? He was pretty confused. His finger fluttered down to the others collar bone and he was now almost pressed against his smaller friend. His breath was on the others neck. He heard his friend's quiet gasp and then saw the redness that had crept up the others neck. Was he enjoying this?

'Hide, as much as the flour may be bothering you, I have a shift soon. Let me cook.'

He sounded breathless and annoyed.

'Sure thing, Neki.'

Hide grinned, leaning back against the counter.

That hadn't felt bad at all.

* * *

Hide had been getting really… Close.

 _Literally._

It was frustrating Kaneki to no end. He was obviously doing his best to casually get along with his friend, avoid the constant contact the blonde was so avidly making, not react to it. However, it was easier said than done. The touches had started off casual enough, Hide had always been a physical person, making contact non-stop, but that hadn't been so… intimate. Calculated. Now the contact felt measured. As if Hide was doing it for a reason.

To rile him up, Kaneki supposed. Either way it was driving him crazy.

Every time he felt those fingers on his skin, he wanted more. He wanted to kiss Hide. _He just wanted Hide._

But that wasn't it. He didn't just _want_ Hide. He wanted to be _with_ Hide.

Then he'd catch himself thinking these things and a wave of self loathing would wash over him. It was driving him insane.

It felt like he was losing his mind.

He sighed, turning back to his assignment.

Even his half-hearted answers made more sense then his awful attraction.

* * *

'And I was like "Yeah?! Well watch me!" Then I ate the whole cake,' Hide explained, groaning dramatically, lying on Kaneki's sofa with a pained expression.

'Hide, you're a university student, you shouldn't be pulling stupid stunts like that,' Kaneki scolded him quietly, throwing a blanket over him. Hide grinned at the gesture and then grimaced at the pain in stomach and closed his eyes. 'Hey, it would've been weak to refuse.' He could almost hear Kaneki rolling his eyes as the he settled at the foot of the sofa with a book probably. Opening one eye he glanced at Kaneki, who just happened to be looking at him. Shamelessly Hide raised his eyebrows at him. 'Like what you see?' the blonde asked, putting his arms behind his heads suggestively. Kaneki reddened; it was so easy to make him blush. 'Yes Hide, your appalling eating habits are a huge turn on.' The sarcasm was so refreshing coming from the white haired man that it caused Hide to burst out laughing and soon Kaneki joined him. 'If this relationship was just about the sex Ken then you could've spared me.'

'Shut up Hide.'

He chuckled getting more comfortable. He was about to dose off when he had one of his ideas. Slowly opening his eyes he studied his friend who was now concentrating on the book in his hands.

'Hey Ken~' he sang, pressing his arm to his aching stomach. Kaneki looked at him, slightly aggravated at being interrupted yet again. 'Yes Hide?' The atmosphere was light in the small apartment, the air smelling more like air-freshener than coffee today. He shrugged off the thought and turned back to his friend who was eyeing him distrustfully. 'Let me lie on your lap.' The words had barely left Hide's mouth when Kaneki turned to him looking horrified. He knew he should have probably respected that horrified expression and what not but it wasn't good of Kaneki to get so embarrassed. ' _Hide_?' The blonde moved from under the blanket and practically fell on the silver haired boy's lap sighing dramatically. It wasn't as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. On the contraire it was warm, relaxing. 'Stroke my hair,' he commanded, grinning at Kaneki. The pale man was practically on fire at the moment, he looked like a snow covered tomato. The mental comparison was making Hide crack up as he appreciated his internal humour. Gosh, he really was funny. Ignoring Kaneki's protests he closed his eyes expectantly. He knew his friend would grudgingly comply.

He was right. Well he hoped he was. Hide had been at the brink of dosing off when he felt hesitant fingers on his head, running through his locks softly.

 _It didn't feel bad._

Keeping his eyes closed, Hide struggled not to smile.

* * *

The bleached blonde stared into his mug of coffee in an absent minded manner. It wasn't hard for Touka to guess where his thoughts were. He knew she could see right through him when it came to him and Kaneki's rather odd situation. They were sitting in her small apartment while Yoriko, or as he had dubbed her, Cooking Goddess Yoriko, hummed to herself in the kitchen. They had all gathered today to discuss Hide's feelings so far. He had been exceptionally frightened by the invitation at first, his mind wondering what he had possibly done to offend Touka. It had been even more worrying when his mind had come up blank. Later on Yoriko had personally explained to him that it was just to help him with his situation. Which was a most likely a gentle way of saying that they wanted juicy gossip.

'So have you hooked up yet?' Touka asked, eyeing him as he lay sprawled over her small table. He snorted and then proceeded to groan at the easy question. 'Isn't that a weird thing to say to your boyfriend Touka-chan?' 'Oi, stop avoiding the topic!' He bit his lip, sitting up slowly, resting his face on his hand. She was right. He was avoiding the subject. It wasn't because he felt uncomfortable or anything, it was just that he didn't know what to say. More than saying though, he had no idea how he felt. He had constantly thought over it and had come to the conclusion that he may have been unhealthily addicted to Kaneki.

He may just have enjoyed the constant reactions he got from his best friend. Maybe he simply found Kaneki interesting and thus wanted to seek out that spark of excitement; the adrenaline rush he got from the intimate contact. That was what he was most afraid of though.

Using Kaneki.

Hurting Kaneki.

No amount of excitement or spark or generally anything would be worth hurting Kaneki.

'We haven't hooked up,' he said resignedly, just as Yoriko walked towards them with a small platter of food for the two humans. She had brought coffee for them too. Probably so Touka wouldn't feel left out. He smiled as the small girl placed food in front of the duo and sat down beside the violet haired girl. 'I think he's getting better though. I mean he's sleeping. He's not distant or freaking out. It's all because he thinks that I think that he likes you,' he told Touka, picking up a cupcake and licking the icing. She glared at him in disgust. 'How stupid were you to come to that conclusion?'

He laughed at her: 'Just your average handsome idiot Touka-chan,' the violet eyed woman instantly scoffed at his reply. He rolled his eyes at her and continued to inhale the rest of his heavenly cupcake. She watched him for a few seconds and then raising her cup of coffee to her lips hummed in pleasure at the taste.

'Hide-kun, have you decided if you like Kaneki-kun yet?' the orange haired girl asked intently, breaking the amiable silence. He licked his lips at the question, lifting the cup and sipping the coffee. It was good, but nowhere nearly as good as Kaneki's. 'Nah, I'm still lost.' He said casually, leaning back on his arm, after putting his cup aside. Touka's eyebrows furrowed at his response and she put her cup down on the table with a loud thud, causing Hide to start. It was never a good idea to piss her off, even if you had no idea what you did to piss her off in the first place. 'Let me get this straight,' she started, and the blonde nodded at her to continue, 'You have been molesting Kaneki for three days straight and still have no idea how you feel?' He could feel his face heating at Touka's brashness and gulped. 'I'm not molesting him and I'm getting to the feelings. It takes time to build right?'

'You've been with the guy for what _, thirteen years?!_ ' she lifted her drink, staring at him with raised eyebrows and he grimaced. 'Yeah, but that wasn't romantic.' Touka let out a small 'huh' and then silence descended upon the trio quickly. There was the ticking of the clock behind him and he closed his eyes trying to figure out what he was doing with his life other than living it out like a shoujo manga. He didn't mind too much, but he didn't like being confused. He liked clear cut answers. Not confused feelings like the ones he was feeling in his circumstance.

'Keep trying Hide-kun!' Yoriko said breaking the silence, and nodding at him intently.

He blinked at the girl and then nodded back at her, once again finding resolve in her words.

That's exactly what he'd do.

* * *

'Shh, it's okay Neki, breathe. It's okay, deep breaths.'

Kaneki blinked, his throat hoarse, his limbs sore, feeling a mixture of relieved and startled to find himself in Hide's apartment. His eyes shot open, most traces of sleep disappearing, as he tried to get his bearings, shivering a little. His clothes were clinging to him with sweat, and similarly his hair was matted to his forehead.

 _Oh yeah._

He and Hide were having a sleepover. He'd fallen asleep before the other boy because he'd been exhausted after his long day at university and work. They'd been watching the usual odd movie and he had dozed off.

Biting his lip he realized what had happened, an uneasy twisting feeling surfacing in his stomach. He felt as if someone had their hands around his throat, his mind incoherent and distorted, trying to grab a hold of the situation.

He'd only agreed to stay with Hide because he'd been sure that his nightmares had stopped. He'd been sure he wouldn't have another one of those. He hadn't had one for so long. Yet a few moments ago he'd been chained to a chair, his body wet, torn, covered with blood and sweat with additional centipedes trailing their long, ticklish and painful legs over- He shook his head trying to burn the memory from his mind, shivering violently. That's when he began to register the warmth pressed against him.

'H-Hide?' His throat _hurt._

The amber eyed boy moved back from him, his eyes running over Kaneki worriedly, a lopsided smile on his bright face. 'You were having a bad dream. You started screaming and stuff, so...' The blonde scratched his cheek nervously, looking at Kaneki, still grinning. Kaneki swallowed, trying to stop his still scared racing mind. He had only half heard Hide's words. He'd been more focused in looking around and finding any extremely dark corners. Maybe someone was hiding there, maybe something dangerous was there. Worst of all the more he was thinking about this, the more he felt small legs on his skin. It was driving him to paranoia. However, when after a few moments he didn't reply, Hide embraced him once more.

The blonde pushed him back onto the bed and pressed himself on top of Kaneki, his chest pressed against Kaneki's. A flutter went through Kaneki as he was half pinned to the bed and he heard a small laugh from the other man. As Hide settled more comfortably with (on) Kaneki, the pale man focused on calming down. He hated that the after effects of a dream could affect him so badly.

He felt so guilty that he had ruined Hide's time. Chewing his lip he stared at the ceiling when he was interrupted by Hide's impatient grunt.

'Oi Ken, you better not be thinking emo things! Just try to sleep again!'

Easier said than done. He settled quietly, taking in the soothing smell and warmth of his best friend as a means of familiarity and comfort.

He could hear the blonde's heartbeat and slowly, slowly. Slowly- it started to affect him. Bringing his heartbeat down to a more normal rhythm.

Even slower he came to process the fact that Hide was on top of him and he flushed almost instantly. With the bitter after taste of the violent nightmare barely lingering he was now focused on the close contact.

He realized his fingers were twitching with the need to touch Hide. Wrap his arms around him. If he moved his head a little, his forehead would be flush with the other and he could-

He couldn't, he shouldn't and he would most definitely not.

He needed to protect Hide. Not sex up Hide.

'Hide?' he tried, nudging at the blonde. There was no response, and after a few more tries the blonde was still splayed over Kaneki. Much to the white haired boy's horror Hide was asleep. The soft snores from the blonde confirmed his worst suspicions and he sighed defeatedly.

Hide was asleep _on his chest_. Kaneki sighed in a defeated manner and prepared to spend the longest night of his life.

The frustration and want making him twitch uneasily.

* * *

They were sitting in a secluded park, on a bench. The scene was normal enough, Kaneki was reading a book with the blonde listening to music. However the oddity in the situation was that Hide was clinging to Kaneki. Not hugging. _Clinging._ His blonde hair was buried in the white haired man's shoulder, with stray strands tickling his neck. His arms were around the other's sweater clad body.

Through this whole ordeal Kaneki was doing his best to breathe. Through his mouth. Through his nose. Inhale. Exhale. He was trying to go through a mental mantra which didn't involve him cracking his knuckles or counting back in sevens. Either way, Hide was making him shake with pent up frustration and nerves. The contact was now getting out of hand.

The small touches, the hugs, the holding hands, it was driving him over the edge. Not only that though. He just couldn't catch a break. Hide was _everywhere._ He was always over at his apartment or dragging Kaneki to his own. This left Kaneki with next to no time to himself. He hadn't been able to unwind with a nice book for what felt like eons. Every time he tried to he felt the other man somehow glue themselves to him. An example being now.

It wasn't that Kaneki didn't like the close contact. He did. _Too much._ That made him guilty, seeing as Hide obviously had no implications of ever returning Kaneki's feelings. Not that he was aware of them- Hide still thought Kaneki liked Touka. This made the touches even more infuriating. His friend was touching him solely with a casual, friendly interest and it was doing so much to him. He wanted to return the contact, but he wanted to return it _twice fold_. He wanted to _show_ Hide how he felt, but he knew he never would be able too. However these small touches were acting like a small hope for him and it was making him come to terms with the fact that he was seriously reaching a cracking point. He knew Hide wasn't teasing him, but that was what it felt like. As if someone was waving something you had wanted for so long in front of your face and then throwing it away. It was aggravating to no end.

The blonde tightened his grip around him, loudly taking in a deep breath, his nose grazing the pale neck. Kaneki jolted as if he had been electrocuted and put down his book, clenching his hands together.

'Hide,' he managed.

'Ken?'

'What are you doing?' He was gnashing his teeth when the other's nose slid down his neck, making him shiver painfully obviously, his stomach doing back flips.

'I'm cold,' the honey eyed boy said playfully, his breath grazing the others skin. _That did it._ Kaneki pried Hide's hands from himself and shoved Hide back a little. 'Its summer Hide!' he was shaking from the simple maddening feeling of being touched as well as the simmering anger from not getting what he wanted.

 _It wasn't fair_ , he decided. _It wasn't_.

The blonde grinned at the response, leaning close to Kaneki and pressing his lips to his paler companion's cheek. Kaneki could feel his breath hitching at the feeling. The things that soft, subtle, _innocent_ touch was making him feel. He bit his lip, his heart twisting with the need to return Hide's gesture. He knew he couldn't. Hide wasn't being fair.

 _It wasn't fair._

He was so tired of being so attached to Hide, he was so tired of being played around with. He was just tired. Tired. The more rational part of his brain was trying to convince him that Hide wasn't messing around with him but he pushed that thought down. He wanted Hide. He really, really wanted Hide.

But Hide would _never_ want him. He would _always_ be this odd burden on Hide. He would. Just like these feelings were a burden on him. It wasn't fair though. He felt no relief around Hide. Even with the others kindness and compassion.

 _It just wasn't enough._

He wanted more.

Hide wasn't being _fair._

Startled, he found himself on his feet, his hands pushed to his sides, his lips pressed into a thin line. Hide was looking up at him, a confused expression on his face. He cocked a brown eyebrow as if to ask ' _What's wrong_?'

 _You._

 _Everything._

'This isn't fair Hide.'

With those four words the white haired man was gone, leaving his bewildered friend and an unfinished book in his wake.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry for the slow update guys but seriously I'm going all out working on this fic. I hope you guys like it so far.

The poem in the previous chapter is called 'The whispers of a troubled spirit.' I felt it really fitted.

Wow, only two more chapters left of this and I am excited to finish it (And a little sad).

Once again thank you for the reviews and favourites, they're much appreciated.

Love,

Ever


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

They were sitting in Kamii, the hot sun beating down on the trio. Touka was sipping water while reading over her notes. Similarly, Kaneki was focusing intently on his novel while Hide stared off into space. Hide was seated beside the younger woman across from the Kaneki. There was a silence which was interrupted by the blonde boy's impatient sighs. The other two were pointedly ignoring him trying to focus, but Hide was being extra persistent.

'What the hell is it, trash?' Touka asked exasperated, turning to the man beside her. Hide grinned widely at her, making her blink at him in annoyed confusion. 'Don't call your boyfriend that,' he told her, his tone teasing. She blinked again raising her fist, and punching him hard on his shoulder. Immediately the blonde yowled out in pain causing the eyes of other students to turn to their table. Hide continued loudly, dramatically groaning, bringing even more attention to their table. The fair haired boy was hiding behind a book and pretending he didn't recognize the two across from him, his red cheeks visible from the distance. 'Shut the hell up Hide!' Touka hissed, shaking the grinning boy from the lapels of his yellow jacket, not really helping them to appear obscure to the public eye. Throughout this ordeal the wide grin did not leave Hide's face. 'You two are boring me,' he whined, when Touka had finally managed to shut him up.

'Hide, we're trying to study.' Kaneki spoke up for what seemed like the first time in the entire day, and if anything it made Hide smile even wider, making Touka squint at the blonde.

'Oi, sunshine, stop blinding us. Go to shitty Nishki and blind him instead.'

'Whaaaaaaaaaaa- Touka-chan you're hurting my heart.'

'And you're hurting my eyes.'

Kaneki was staring at the bickering two fondly, the light air helping him unwind a little. Even if Hide had been clingy and even though the air between the two had been slightly icy-due to Kaneki's outburst- he was happy to be here with the two. Kamii was approaching exam season soon and he already started preparing for it, even making extra notes for both Hide _and_ Touka. He was once again in a state of blissful relief; it was so good being able to get into the normal flow of life. Or the closest to normal he could get.

Even if he was slightly romantically frustrated, he was sure most of the students studying here probably were anyway. That factor only added to his normality.

By now Hide and Touka were heatedly discussing the mating cycle of skunks and Kaneki had no idea how they had managed to take such a huge leap in the conversation. He decided he didn't want to know and returned his gaze to his novel, trying to get engrossed in the life of a poor sheep herder thrown into war and madness. Huh. Odd parallels.

'They don't hibernate for God's sake!'

'Oh yeah then how come I haven't seen any?!' There was a sunny grin behind those words, solely uttered to wind up the violet haired girl.

'They probably don't like approaching humans.'

He rolled his eyes, unable to ignore the loud natter and placing in a small bookmark he closed his novel as loudly as he could. It seemed to do the trick as they both turned to him, a scowl on Touka's lips. She looked absolutely wound up by Hide's foolish topic. 'Shouldn't you be glad you haven't seen any skunks Hide?' he asked, resting his hand on his book. Hide grinned at him wryly and then back at Touka. 'See, he so was low-key paying attention to us.' Touka rolled her eyes at that comment, abruptly lifting her notes and trying her best to zone the two males out. Hide guffawed at her reaction and she shoved at his shoulder distractedly. 'But are rabbit mating cycles similar to ghouls?' he asked casually, making both Kaneki and Touka stiffen uncomfortably. 'Keep your voice down idiot,' Touka hissed, dropping her notes and pushing at him. They really were getting really physical with each other Kaneki noticed, with an odd disinterest. Or so he was trying to convince himself. More importantly than that, what had Hide just asked.

 _Ghoul mating cycle,_ of all things.

'Hide, Ghouls aren't animals. They're just…' he took a deep breath to steady himself, 'What I'm trying to say is- Rabbits…' Kaneki trailed off, his face heating at the thought of comparing the mating cycles of rabbits with ghouls. Hide grinned at him wickedly and Touka shot him a pitiful glance. It was like she was trying to tell him that he had just dug his own grave and he realized he had played into Hide's hands. 'We're all ears Neki.' Kaneki could feel his face heating up uncomfortably with the amount of attention he was getting with the two mixed with the awkwardness of the topic. 'I-I-' he started.

'Mon ami!' The three of them turned to the sound of the heavily accented voice in surprise and Touka let out a surprised squawk. A tall man dressed in rich coloured clothes, which probably cost more than his apartment, was making his way towards them. What was _he_ doing there? Were they in danger? An edge of wariness was creeping into his demeanour as he juggled the various scenarios that ran through his head. However he didn't get too long to delve too deep into these as within the next few seconds the man was upon the three, dragging more attention to them.

Some of the students pointedly turning to stare at the odd group- you couldn't blame university students for being easily distracted. Especially when the distraction was something as flashy and outstanding as Shuu Tsukiyama.

'Tsukiyama-san,' Kaneki said politely, tilting his head up and nodding politely at the older man. His greeting was followed by Touka's cold: 'Bastard.' The purple haired man didn't seem too fazed by what she had to say to him, his eyes trained on Kaneki.

'It is good to see you Kaneki-kun.' A small smile graced Kaneki's delicate features. 'Likewise.'

Maybe he'd over thought the whole scene, maybe Tsukiyama had simply been visiting town and everything was okay. Nothing was going to go wrong in the slightest. He almost laughed at the thought.

At his response Tsukiyama slid down in the empty space beside Kaneki and Touka let out a cry of indignation. 'Who said you could sit here?!' She was making it blatantly obvious what she thought of him. On top of that she also looked ready to punch him in the throat. 'Hey, Touka let the guy chill,' Hide tried, speaking up for the first time, soothingly, shooting an apologetic grin towards Tsukiyama. At that the older man squinted at the blonde, then at Touka and then back to blonde. He seemed to be trying to integrate a relationship between the two and failing. He had entwined his long fingers and was resting his head on them, eyeing Hide. Hide in return was flashing the older man a relaxed smile. Kaneki chewed his lip, his eyes darting between the two.

'Cold as ever Touka-chan.'

'I swear to God, you purple haired bastard, you-' she started, her face thunderous. 'Ah, what brought you back to the twentieth ward Tsukiyama-san?' Kaneki asked hurriedly intervening. Tsukiyama flashed a contained smile at Touka, who in return flipped him off, and turning to Kaneki sighed dramatically. 'Ahhh, I would love to say it was you mon cher, but I'm afraid it was more of a business matter.'

That didn't sound dangerous or worrisome. He _had_ overreacted, well over thought. The anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach lifted as he sighed to himself quietly in relief. About to open his mouth to speak again, he was stopped when Tsukiyama's phone started ringing and Tsukiyama smiled at him apologetically, receiving the call and turning away from the trio.

He started speaking loudly, in another language that Kaneki guessed was German. Touka was scowling at him, while Hide looked at Kaneki with his eyebrows raised as if to ask: 'Who is that?' 'How do you know him?' In return he just smiled at Hide, shaking his head lightly and hopefully conveying that right now wasn't a good time to discuss that. Hide rolled his eyes, letting out an overly dramatic exasperated sigh and Kaneki grinned.

Tsukiyama continued on the phone for a few more seconds, before sighing and standing up. It seemed that he had to leave. 'Ah, Kaneki-kun, I have to go for now. However, I would hope to see you soon. Do tell me when your shift at Anteiku is?' Kaneki stayed quiet for a few seconds, debating whether he trusted Tsukiyama enough with the information. The man _had_ helped in trying to recover him from the Aogiri. He had also helped Kaneki with other odd jobs. He came to the conclusion that Tsukiyama was no longer a huge threat to him, and plus, the man was interesting and well versed. He was kind.

'Ah, tomorrow morning till afternoon,' the half ghoul responded. 'Till tomorrow then,' Tsukiyama smiled at him sincerely, and once again Kaneki was surprised by how model-like the gourmet was. He nodded, as the man left with a polite farewell, targeted towards Hide and himself, as well as a separate 'Touka-chan.' This caused Touka to immediately flare up as soon as the spot of purple had disappeared from sight and she stood up raging. She looked ready to shake Kaneki.

'Are you an _idiot?!_ What if he tries to eat you again?!' she seethed, leaning over the table to glare at him directly. Kaneki swallowed, cursing at the unfairness that a younger girl could terrify him to this extent.

'Wait. Again?' Hide squeaked, looking at Kaneki, his eyes wide as saucers. Kaneki struggled to school his face into seriousness, probably resulting in an odd grimace. 'He's been very helpful,' he tried, tilting his head. Touka glared at him for his forgive-full nature and he felt an odd anger settle over him absurdly quickly.

He wasn't a child. He knew he had been fooled once but he wouldn't be again of course. He knew the good that Tsukiyama had done him. From helping rescue him, to helping him train and even bringing him books. The man had been a huge help, a good support.

'So Purple man tried to eat you, but its okay now?' the blonde was scratching his cheek, a sign of nervousness. Kaneki nodded, seriously, avoiding eye-contact with Touka.

'He's helped a lot.'

'With?'

Hide was being persistent again, surprisingly, yet unsurprisingly.

'He helped me get stronger,' the white haired man muttered weakly, unable to bring himself to tell Hide about the rescue mission or anything remotely similar that would indicate to what had transpired during his disappearance.

'Oh.'

'Yeah.'

There was a pause and Hide started to hum loudly, almost as if to forcefully fill the silence. Touka had grabbed her notes and her eyes were running over them furiously, an unhappy scowl on her lips. He sighed to himself and flipped open the novel, returning to the demise of an average life.

Relieved to be captured in the tragic story of another, and not his own.

* * *

'Kaneki-kun!'

'Ah, Tsukiyama-san.'

He grimaced, pressing his hands to the earphones against his head and considered turning up the music. He was getting more annoyed by this guy than he should have been. He had been horrified, an understatement, when Touka had mentioned that the purple haired rich ghoul had tried to _eat_ Kaneki. It had sent him reeling. However what had bothered him more was that look in Kaneki's eyes. Defiance. When Touka had been saying exactly what she had thought of the guy it had flitted across Kaneki's eyes. It had scared him. It had shown that, yes, Kaneki had forgiven Tsukiyama for what he had tried, and more or less had a good opinion of him.

 _But he had tried to eat Kaneki._

However, looking at the almost relaxed and casually friendly manner that the older man had been displaying around his friend it was safe to say that Tsukiyama didn't mean any ill harm anymore. Hide would probably go far enough to judge that Tsukiyama even cared for Kaneki. A lot. The light shoulder touches that his friend was obviously not noticing. Their hands brushing.

Kaneki was clueless, utterly unaware of them. Or if he was aware he was letting on at all.

'Is your shift over, mon ami?'

'It is.' Kaneki was smiling at the flashy purple head. Hide scowled.

'So then let's leave Kaneki-kun.'

No. God Kaneki. Not another purple head.

'Okay, I'm leaving Irmi-san, Koma-san, good day,' Kaneki called, bowing his head politely, turning to leave.

He wanted to interject, he really did. However, the frosty air between the two best friends hadn't been completely dispelled and the blonde didn't want to push it too far. He knew Kaneki needed space, and he had been pushing the boundaries for a while. From now on he supposed he would distance himself a little. It would probably be a better thing for both of them. Kaneki could go to the bookstore with Flashy McFlash and Hide could pretend to get some studying done.

Fool proof plan.

He sighed loudly, repeatedly hitting his head against the table.

'What the fuck are you doing Nagachika?' Great. He looked up smiling widely.

'Ah Nishiki senpai, I was just trying to get some of these notes to stick to memory.' It wasn't too far-fetched; he had tried some more extreme methods in the past. 'You're scaring the customers with your weird as fuck methods.' Ah, Nishiki was really eloquent.

'Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry,' he groaned, waving his hand dismissively, looking back down at his messy notes strewn across the small table. Staring at them, he could feel his eyebrows knitting together. Alongside his own illegible scrawl lay Kaneki's cleanly written notes and he felt his heart sink for unknown reasons. 'Ugh, stop making such depressing faces!'

Hide looked up in surprise just as Nishki slid into the chair opposite him. He had been sure that the strawberry blonde had left him. 'Nishki senpai?' 'Shut your mouth Nagachika and act normal!'

Hide could feel his eye twitching as he smiled at Nishki awkwardly. It was a wonder he wasn't sweating under that glare. 'Better, keep your fucking normal face.'

He was gone before Hide could question him further about what he meant. Huffing in amusement, he switched on his music and returned to the endless staring into space. He was definitely not going to get anything done at this rate.

* * *

'Hey Kaneki, wanna go to the bookstore today?'

'Uhm, I promised Tsukiyama-san I would go with him.'

'Oh, okay, cool. Have you seen this amazing…' he continued chatting animatedly, not letting the disappointment show too blatantly. This was the fourth time Kaneki had rejected him in the past week and it was starting to worry him. They were acting normally enough. They were talking normally enough. However there was now always an awkward distance between the two. Something in the air that indicated a ridge and it seemed harder and harder to ignore as the days went by.

Hide wanted to fix it. Hide knew it was his fault. He had pushed Kaneki too far, he had gone overboard with his plan completely disregarding Kaneki's feelings. Probably Kaneki's comfort too, and now his best friend was avoiding him.

Scarier yet he had a niggling thought at the back of his mind that Kaneki had never felt that way for him. It was scaring him because doubts of his own feelings were starting to crawl into his mind. He had thought and thought about Kaneki and his feelings until they remained the only things left there. Kaneki was his all.

Kaneki had become the constant settler in his mind.

So did that indicate that he had feelings for him? He really didn't know. He didn't care. He realized he'd just about do anything to get rid of the gap in between them and have his friend back.

However he knew.

He knew and he hated it. He needed to give Kaneki time and space.

* * *

Twenty days.

Almost a month. Who stays in town for a business trip for a month?!

Apparently Mister Flashy.

Hide had never been a possessive or jealous person. He has always been a person that goes with the flow and allows people to have their space. He doesn't like pushing people. So when he felt that small irked, annoyed feeling, it had been a surprise. He had genuinely been jealous.

Of Mister Flashy face.

Mister Flashy who had been spending most of his time stuck to Kaneki Ken. Going to coffee shops, book stores, libraries, public parks, movies, all the places he went with Kaneki. It was as if Tsukiyama was the new and better _him._

It was a bitter realization to see himself being replaced so easily. Once again. He sighed, turning to his side, his phone switched on silent- not that anyone would message him. Maybe Touka, maybe Nishki. Who cared right? It wasn't like Kaneki would be replying to him any time soon. He closed his eyes, silently chastising himself for his pessimistic thoughts. Kaneki could take his time. Kaneki probably still needs space. And since Mister Flashy is a waste of space Kaneki is technically getting space, he told himself.

He sighed, shaking his head at his crappy humour and sitting up, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. His hair tickled his shoulders.

How odd it was: To let it hurt so badly, being alone without Ken.

Groaning, he ran a hand through his hair. He needed coffee.

* * *

He breathed a sigh of exasperation. He had needed coffee, yet here he was standing in front of Kaneki's apartment. It was as if his feet had sensed his desperation and had led him here of their own accord. So stupid.

His feet were very romantic; bringing him to the person he had been anxious to see. He laughed to himself quietly, not bothering to waste time debating whether he should knock or not.

Ken needed space. That was fine.

He would definitely give him space. He would leave him until he would be approached by _him_. Until Kaneki was happy and comfortable he would wait. He would be patient. He would be okay. He would be okay alone. He could do this. _Again._

He turned to go, and paused mid-step.

A slight breeze blew through his long hair tousling it. Cherry blossoms sailed through the air and his breath caught a little at the sight before him.

Kaneki was there. A mixed sense of relief and foreboding settled over him.

'Hide.'

'Yo, Kaneki.' He grinned.

'How come you're here?' No formalities for today then. He shrugged, still smiling. It was hard not to burst into a smile every time he saw the white haired man. Kaneki was like his personal spike of adrenaline. 'Passing the neighbourhood, ya know. Just walked by!' He strove to give Kaneki a casual response, unwilling to tell him that he had probably stood staring at the small apartment for at least fifteen minute lost in internal conflict about the very person he was talking to. A small crease appeared between snowy brows and a conflicted pair of grey eyes stared at him. He raised his own eyebrows in response, raising his hand to rub the back of his head. 'You stood there for quite a while,' Kaneki mumbled, taking a step closer almost hesitantly. He felt like a wild animal being approached.

'Ahhh, did I? Must have lost track of time,' he laughed, a slight waver to his voice that he hadn't been able to suppress. Kaneki seemed to notice that too and pursed his lips.

'What's wrong Hide?'

 _I have no idea how I feel about you Kaneki. I just want to try this thing with you._

'Just missed my best bud is all,' he laughed again. That was definitely acceptable in platonic terms. More than being platonically correct, it was the truth and it felt good saying it. 'I missed you too.' He smiled wider at that. The words were like water being thrown on fire. He was so relieved. After days of thinking and more thinking and worrying. He was just so relieved.

'And I drink woe in every want,

Poison in every wine,

And I never knew it would be so bitter,

To be alone…' He wasn't sure why he had started quoting another one of those dusty foreign poems that Kaneki used to read; he trailed off uncertainly wondering if he had crossed the blurry boundary again.

'Alone without you.' The words were hushed but Hide heard them, causing his heart to leap.

'You have a knack for completing them!'

'You have a knack for leaving them incomplete.' There was a small smile on Kaneki's lips.

'It's your fault for making me remember something so cheesy and nerdy,' the blonde whined, crossing his arms behind his head and grinning lazily. Just as he said that, the smile that had been on his companion's face, fell. 'Yeah… I have to go now Hide.' He could feel his own face falling at the abrupt mood change. He lowered his hands and turned to Kaneki who was looking at the ground, his lips pressed into a quivering line.

Hide wanted to say something. Ask him why? Why was Kaneki pushing him away? It was hurting not only him but both of them. He could tell it was. Had he overstepped so far that Kaneki couldn't stand him at all anymore?

The white haired man started walking past Hide to his apartment, Hide stunned into silence watched him as he fumbled with his keys in front of his door.

He couldn't push Kaneki again. He shouldn't.

The separation was painful though.

It wasn't like Kaneki would leave him…

No he wouldn't would he?

It was happening all over again.

He was going to be left all alone.

It was going to devourer him slowly.

The loneliness. The very thing he'd struggled not to pay attention to would end up killing him. He'd be living on coffee and fake smiles again. Kaneki would disappear and he'd be all alone. 'Mind if I join you inside?' he asked before he could stop himself and consider the consequence of his words. Kaneki froze, his slender hand poised on the door knob, his expression frozen. 'I- It's messy.'

The excuse was pitiful. He smiled, sauntering closer to Kaneki. 'It's fine I've seen your messes Neki,' he laughed, shrugging in the most relaxed manner he could, and Kaneki's eyes dropped back to the ground, his hand raised to his chin. Hide braced himself.

'It's really bad. I don't think you should see.'

Was he even talking about the apartment anymore?

Obviously not.

Kaneki had a strange clever almost poetic way of phrasing things. Especially when he was struggling. However Hide was _irked_! Had Kaneki just thrown the most see-through excuse he could have thought of at him. He could have at least came up with something mildly _believable._

'I think… we're not strangers Neki. You shouldn't treat me like one either,' he said softly, unable to hold it back anymore. He was glaring at the ground and struggled with himself for a few seconds before raising his eyes to meet Kaneki's wide grey ones. He really couldn't keep it to himself. 'So I feel that instead of _this_ , you should just tell me you don't want me around. I'll understand, just don't give me the bad excuses.' The blonde kicked an invisible stone, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He had broken the eye contact a while back. He couldn't maintain it while saying and acting so uncharacteristically.

It hurt.

It hurt him a lot.

But it must have hurt Kaneki more.

That made him hurt more.

This would make Kaneki crack and leave.

He was such an idiot.

'You could have at least given me a better exc-'

'I love you.'

His head shot up, and startled brown eyes met steady grey ones.

'What?!'

'I-I mean _like_. I like you,' Kaneki had turned his head, his face steadily growing pinker with each word. Hide was at a loss for words for the first time in his life and he gaped at him, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Of course he shouldn't have been too surprised. But understanding it and hearing it straight out of the horse's mouth was another thing.

'I-yeah. I know.'

'You do?!' Now Kaneki had turned back to him, his eyes widened in horror, his mouth gaping. Hide bit his lip, trying to smile through it and nodded slowly, trying to look reassuring. 'I mean, I'm really happy you feel that way Kaneki, I really am. I like you too.' Instead of reddening further as Hide had expected, Kaneki paled further, almost going as white as his hair. 'You're joking right? You're only saying that because you pity me.'

Once again Hide was stunned into silence. This was not what he expected _at all._ 'This is not me pitying _you_! I like you too, I want to try _this._ ' Hide spat, aghast at Kaneki's response. Kaneki pursed his lips, all traces of pinkness gone from his face. 'I- I don't want you to suffer Hide. You're only doing this to make me comfortable. It's fine.'

'No… No! It's not fine. I really want to try this with you. It's not just for you Ken!'

'Hide… I- I want something you're dedicated to…' Kaneki's knuckles were bone white, clenched at his sides, his voice soft.

'I will be dedicated!' The blonde threw his hands into the air vexed. What did he mean dedication? It had come to a point where he was dedicated to him to a huge degree. Did Kaneki want him to give up his life? Drop everything and be with him?

'Not entirely dedicated…' Kaneki retorted, his voice still hushed. 'How dedicated should I be? Can't we just try this out? Why are you afraid of this? Why are you afraid of _me?_ ' Hide asked, the frustration, the panic, a spark of anger, finding its way to his head. 'I'm not! I just want you to be dedicated and feel the same way!'

'Why don't you trust me?! You never trust me with anything. You didn't tell me you were a ghoul; you didn't trust me enough to think that I'd stay with you even if you were. I had to figure it out on my own. Now you're going to do the same thing aren't you? You're going to leave me!'

He abruptly shut his mouth realizing to what an extent he had spilled his guts. He had just poured salt over every past wound Kaneki probably had regarding him.

Kaneki had gone deathly still, his eyes frozen on Hide; his expression painfully blank. 'I'm really tired. I'm going to go Hide.'

Shit. Shit. He'd really fucked up this time.

'Don't walk away again!'

The door slammed on his face.

He was left alone in the warm afternoon.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you for the reviews and criticism. I will do my best to improve.

I apologize for the slow update and will work to update faster.

One more chapter left, ah I am excited for this slow build fic.

Thanks once more for the support, reviews and critiques are much appreciated.

-Ever


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

* * *

Streaks of light filtered through his window and he winced when the warmth kissed his skin. He sighed, checking his clock sluggishly. It was just past one in the afternoon and he turned away, hugging himself tightly.

He had been the one that had acted so unfairly. He knew it was him. He knew it was his fault.

He just wished he could admit it.

He was a coward. That was probably why he was curled up on his sofa, his heart hurting. He was _so_ happy but _so_ scared. He didn't want to drag Hide down because of his selfish desires. He didn't want to hurt Hide at all. He just wanted to protect Hide. He wanted to protect Hide from him the most.

He was scared if he let Hide get too close to him, his sunny friend would see him for the monster he was. He was scared. Hide had been right. He was scared. He _did_ have trust issues. However, all of this with his introverted nature combined left him _wanting_ but too scared to reach for what he wanted. He was so happy. He was _so_ happy. Yet he was so hurt. He was so terrified. He didn't want anyone to hurt. He knew he had to distance himself but here was this chance. Hide was his chance.

His chance to true happiness.

He bit his lip, trying to fight a smile, as his heart continued to pound in his chest painfully.

How could one be so happy, yet in so much pain?

He sighed in a resigned manner, sitting up on the sofa, leaning back and closing his eyes again. He felt like a zombie. He had no energy since yesterday. It shouldn't have been surprising that his emotions could render him so useless yet it was. His mind was running circles, starting at Hide, and returning back to Hide.

He really craved this relationship. What would honestly be better than being with his best friend in a slightly more intimate manner? What would be better than hearing Hide say I love you? Or waking up next to a familiar warm body?

What would be better than having Hide as his?

He had always known he was clingy. He had always known he was selfish, but it was so hard to control what he was feeling when it came to the blonde. He wanted him so bad. He wanted Hide so badly. He wanted to be with Hide so badly.

 _So why couldn't he just accept him?_

He was such a mess.

He didn't want to hurt Hide. He didn't want Hide to drag himself through the dirt for him. Didn't want Hide to force any feelings upon himself for him. He wanted Hide to love him because Hide loved him.

 _He_ loved Hide.

Didn't he? Or was it that Hide's relationship with Touka had left him feeling jealous, alone and possessive of his best friend. That wasn't the reason was it? He genuinely loved his best friend. It wasn't an infatuation surely.

He was just so fucking selfish.

He was such a fucking mess.

 _Ding Dong._

He started at the sound that echoed through his small apartment. It had been a day since the argument had taken place and he had no doubt in his mind that Hide was at his door. The thought of facing him after his outburst, after he'd laid his insecurities bare in front of him and hurt him; the thought of facing him after all that made his heart sink. He couldn't do it. He would just pretend to not be at home.

 _Ding Dong._

He held his breath. Hide would leave. Hide _would_ leave. A few seconds passed with him sitting as still as a statue.

 _Ding Dong._

Hide _had_ to leave. He couldn't keep this up.

 _Ding Dong._

Kaneki's heart was torn between leaving his apartment through a window and running as far as possible, and throwing himself against Hide.

 _Ding Dong._ This time the bell was followed by the sound of loud, panicked knocking. It was making him restless.

 _Ding Dong._

It was driving him over the edge.

More knocking.

'Ken… Open the fucking door.'

 _Ding Dong._

He got up shakily. Should he?

 _Ding Dong._

Would he be able to?

 _Ding Dong._

'Kaneki I'll break your door.'

He shuffled closer, his heart hammering in his chest. He was so torn.

 _Ding Dong._

He unlocked his door, flinging it open, squinting as the sunlight filtered into his face.

 _Ding Dong._

As his eyes adjusted to the light he saw Hide staring at him, the blonde's hand still raised- ready to knock.

They were a few inches away from each other, their eyes locked. Neither wavering. He was so entranced by those chocolate coloured eyes that he couldn't move, couldn't talk. There was so much warmth and affection in the gaze that it made his heart soar. How stupid had he been? How had he managed to hurt someone so pure? How could he have not trusted Hide of all people?

He didn't get much chance to dwell on his stupidity as the air was knocked out of him and Hide was against him, hugging him, the comforting, fresh smell of his friend hitting him. The soft blonde head was pressed against his shoulder, his arms strong against Kaneki's frame. Kaneki found himself laughing softly, hugging Hide back as hushed apologies were whispered into his neck. How had he managed to become so close to someone this amazing? Could someone like Hide really love someone like _him?_

'I'm so sorry Hide…' he mumbled into the other's hair, pressing himself closer to Hide. It felt so good to be feeling him again. After so long. It felt so relieving being honest with his most precious person.

'It happens, Kaneki. I understand.'

Kaneki could feel tears pricking his eyes. Of course Hide understood. Who else would? 'I was so selfish, I am so-' his voice cracked a little and he flushed self-consciously. Hide pulled back from their tight embrace, his hands still on his shoulders and looked at him tenderly. 'It's okay, Kaneki. Believe me.' And he did. He all but fell into Hide's arms, clutching the other and Hide laughed at his actions, holding him just as tightly. And it felt _so good._

He wouldn't have dreamed that being held by someone that cared about him so much would have been this soothing. _So warm._ Just like sunshine.

'Hide,' he mumbled, the two boys were on his small sofa, Kaneki's head on Hide's shoulder with Hide's on his. Their fingers were entwined, the blonde's thumb occasionally rubbing circles onto the back of his hand. 'Yeah?' 'I trust you. I don't want you hurt though.' There was a beat of silence and Hide pressed his lips against his pale hair and he flushed.

'I'm not easily hurt Neki!' He didn't argue with that statement. It was true, Hide wasn't as breakable as he had possessively assumed. Hide was strong. Hide wouldn't break easily at all.

It was funny how everything had fallen into place. It was almost as if Touka, Tsukiyama, everyone had been parts of the chess board, and they had somehow managed to throw the two best friends' together. Even with their contrasting colours. They were here, and happy. He smiled at the thought.

'I love you,' he said softly, moving his head and turning to look at his friend in the eye; there was a faint, barely noticeable blush on the other man's face. 'It's okay if you don't.'

And he meant that. He sincerely would be okay to make Hide love him. Slowly. He could wait. He could push down his inherently selfish nature.

Hide grinned at him wryly.

'I'm really happy that you said that Ken.' A pause. 'But I have been thinking about these feelings. I know- surprise, surprise.' The blonde took a deep breath.

'I've known you a while Kaneki. I mean, I know your morbid books inside out and I haven't read them. I have your poems memorised and I have only heard you recite them. I know how easily flustered you get over stupid things like underwear. I know that you don't like crowds. I know that you prefer libraries over clubs. I know your nerdy fashion sense and I know that you are the most gentle and kind person ever.' Kaneki was staring at Hide, his lips twitching as Hide started nervously playing with their linked fingers.

'I also know your bad side though. Your temper tantrums. I know how angry you get over books. I know how unknowingly and amusingly sarcastic you can be. I know that you have that bad habit of keeping everything to you and thinking of yourself as a burden. I know you have a hundred secrets that you aren't, and might never be ready to tell me. I know a lot about you Ken. I accept all of that. Heck I adore all of that.'

'Hide…'

Hide didn't stop, just continued talking, smiling, his eyes on their hands.

'But the amazing thing is that I'm still learning about you Ken. A new quirk, a new habit. A new guilty pleasure. And I _love_ that.'

Another shaky breath.

'I was so worked up in trying to analyse my feelings that honestly it had just become brain work and patterns. I didn't realize that it was not supposed to make sense. I get that now. I was supposed to let myself feel. I _am_ supposed to let myself just feel. I mean. I am now. And I really feel for you. I think…'

He leaned in closer to a smiling Kaneki, pressing their foreheads together.

'I think,' Hide's hands, crept to Kaneki's face, cupping it between his palms.

'I think I feel the most for you Ken.' He told the white haired man sincerely, earning a blush from Kaneki. Before he could pull out of Hide's grip, the blonde had leaned forward pressing a chaste kiss to the others lips. A feather light touch which made his lips tingle. It was over as quickly as it had started and Hide moved back, looking pleased with himself.

Kaneki was sitting, probably looking completely stunned, slender fingers with dark nails pressed to his lips which were still tingling from the touch.

'Now… That's not fair Hide.'

He nearly cracked up at Hide's startled face, and slowly moved forward, pressing himself against Hide. The other pressed beneath him, looking up at him expectantly. He knew he shouldn't be thinking about how beautiful Hide looked, with his eyes lit up beneath his lashes, but that was the word that sprung to mind. Hide _is_ beautiful. He leaned over slowly, lowering his lips to the others and Hide raised his head to meet him. They kissed softly at first, slowly, revering in the attention of the other, as well as the intimacy from the gesture. The blonde's hands' grabbed a fistful of Kaneki's shirt as the kiss grew more heated. Hide was nipping at Kaneki's lips and the white haired boy almost wanted to laugh. He was supposed to be the half ghoul but Hide's the one doing the biting. He copied the blonde's gesture and gasped, Hide tasted _amazing_. He tilted his head gaining better access into the other and he can feel Hide's hot breath against his own. With that, all rational thought was thrown out the window. He traced Hide's bottom lip with his tongue, hesitantly at first and then more confidently when Hide responded with breathy sighs, parting his mouth for the other eagerly. They were both just _so close_ to each other. He can _taste_ Hide so vividly. He moves back for a breath of air and Hide grunts in disagreement and crushes their mouths together fiercely. Kaneki feels dazed, his only coherent thought being a mixture of: _Finally_ and, _this is perfect._ They kiss for a while, unaware of much else other than the feeling of each other.

When they finally pull apart, both of them are flushed and panting. Kaneki can't believe he did that. That _they_ did that. It seemed entirely surreal. He wants to pinch himself but realizes that that would probably look stupid and he would never live down the teasing.

He was probably smiling stupidly at the man underneath him, but Hide is too. Although Hide's smiles competed directly with the sun in terms of both warmth and how blinding they were. In his opinion, Hide won.

'Wow Kaneki. So you're a top now?'

'Shut up Hide,' he laughed flushing, hitting the other lightly.

'Be more polite, I'm going to be taking the brunt of your dominance,' Hide continued unfazed.

'Oh Kami-sama. Please shut up.'

This was followed by loud laughter from the two that echoed in the small apartment for hours to come.

* * *

He sipped his coffee, watching Hide study his notes. The bright man was concentrating exceptionally hard, as could be identified from the crease on his forehead. Year end exams for university had arrived, and Kaneki was done with his. Hide on the other hand still had one left, and was thus left to grudgingly study for it. He smiled as Hide stuck out his tongue in concentration.

They were still together two years later.

They had fought, they had made up. They had been to book stores, restaurants, movies, coffee shops. They had laughed together and cried together.

The most amazing thing about the two of them-for Kaneki- was that the man across from him was still his best friend. The one with bright smiles that made the day better, the nights bearable, the easily excited, overly-hyper ball of sunshine. Not just his best friend though, Hide was his everything and anything.

And he couldn't think of anything more relieving.

* * *

 **A/N:** The deed is done.

Thank you to everyone that has supported me.

Thank you for the supportive reviews from everyone. I would like to tell you that it has been a pleasure writing this and I hope you've enjoyed reading it too.

Another thank you to my amazing beta.

Feel free to drop a message if you have a question or want to talk.

Love,

-Ever


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